Laterras R. Whitfield on Being a Present Dad and a Single Man

Through most of my early childhood, I was raised by my dad alone. My mom died when I was a baby, so bringing me up fell to him (along with our extended family; it truly takes a village).

I know single fatherhood was hard for him at times, but those years when it was only the two of us gave my dad and me an incredibly deep bond.

One thing I really credit my dad for is how he handled dating. As a widower who was also a single parent, he was in uncharted territory. Still, he never let his dating life bring chaos into my childhood, because he always chose healthy, loving relationships.

Laterras R. Whitfield hosts a podcast and is an Emmy-nominated filmmaker.

This Father’s Day, we’re honoring the single men who are there for their children and keep striving to be better men.

Laterras R. Whitfield, who hosts the “Dear Future Wifey” podcast, is dad to three kids, two adopted and one biological, and he doesn’t take his responsibilities to them lightly.

“It’s extremely important for children to see their father in healthy relationships because we have to model what healthy masculinity looks like, what love looks like,” he said.

We asked Laterras how single dads can keep dating healthy while putting their kids’ well-being first.

His core message? “Live sacrificially,” Laterras told us. “What are the needs of your kids? Can you put those above your own? If you’re doing that, you’ll always win.”

Make Sure Your Family Is Stable First

Because every relationship is different, there’s no universal answer to when a single dad should start dating.

“It’s more about how far removed he is from the child’s mother,” Laterras said. “You should take into account the health of the coparenting relationship.”

Say you split from your kids’ mother fairly recently. In that case, you might wait to date until things between the two of you are in a good place.

“While I don’t believe that you should hold up your life until your child’s mother is mature enough to deal with it,” Laterras explained. “I do believe you should take into account the healthiness of that coparenting relationship so it doesn’t bleed into your next relationship.”

Some people with teenagers are going through a tough divorce and probably ought to hold off on dating, while others (my dad, for instance) have young kids and are the sole living parent, which leaves less drama to worry about when they date.

Even so, raising a young child can make dating complicated, if only because of time management. “I’ve heard about stories where the child is extremely young and the dad is trying to date, but that’s just going to create a toxic environment,” Laterras said.

As your children grow up, you can be more open about your love life with them. Laterras’s kids are teens and young adults, and he talks frankly with them about his experiences dating.

He urges dads to model a healthy approach to dating and talk about it, so their kids go on to have happy, healthy relationships as they get older.

“One thing that is missing is us teaching, not only by example, but sitting down and letting them know what courtship looks like, what dating looks like, what engagement looks like, and what marriage looks like,” he said emphatically.

Introduce a New Partner Only Once It’s Serious

Starting to date doesn’t mean your kids, particularly the little ones, have to be told, and it definitely doesn’t mean they have to meet the person you’re seeing.

Usually, that should wait until you have good reason to think your partner will be a lasting part of your family.

“I don’t believe that a man should be introducing his kids to women that he’s casually dating,” Laterras said. “That introduction should only take place after that relationship is more intentional.”

Meeting casual partners can unsettle children. They might expect those people to stay, then feel confused or abandoned when they vanish.

I met only two of the women my dad dated. One was a woman he considered marrying, but becoming a parent to me wasn’t a priority for her, so in the end the relationship couldn’t last.

The other one married my dad and adopted me. At our first meeting, I informed her that “she was going to be my mommy and give me a baby sister.” Sure enough, it came true!

“I believe in dating with intention,” Laterras said. “Either you’re going to be my future wife or not. So only at that point will I introduce a woman to my kids.”

As long as you keep your family’s well-being in view and put your kids first, you’ll have a good feel for when the time is right.

Be a Source of Safety & Emotional Support

Single dad or not, certain key traits turn a man into a great partner.

“Emotional intelligence,” Laterras told us. “A man who’s able to articulate his fears, his desires, the things he needs.” That goes especially for single fathers, who have to balance their responsibilities to their kids and to their partner all at once.

When you date without kids, you’re free to make your partner your #1 priority. As a dad, though, your children always come first. That’s why it matters so much to keep communicating, so nobody gets hurt or misreads the situation.

“Communicate,” Laterras said. “Communicate your needs, what you need from her, and that you provide a plan to get there.”

Being a source of peace for your kids and your partner alike matters enormously.

Be “a man who understands his role as a protector and provider,” Laterras said. “Being a provider doesn’t mean you have to be the sole breadwinner. For me, it means what you can do on a financial level, but outside of finances, providing emotional stability for your partner. That you’re providing safety for her.”

Emotional honesty is essential in dating, and it matters in fatherhood too. Healthy families thrive with “a man who can articulate his emotional affirmations to his children,” Laterras said.

Laterras’ Message for Single Dads: You’re Doing Great

Single parenting isn’t easy. If you’re doing your best, you’re headed in the right direction.

“To all my single fathers out there who are present, who show up consistently: You’re doing a great job,” Laterras said. “I want you to give yourself grace, give yourself a pat on the back – because your kids know your name.”

He shared, “I grew up with my father in the home. He had a unique ability to be present and absent at the same time.”

You don’t have to be a perfect dad, but you do have to be a loving one. Lots of children are raised by parents who never told them they were loved or showed them any warmth. It doesn’t have to be like that, though.

Even if you didn’t have an ideal childhood, you can break that cycle and show your kids what positive masculinity looks like.

“Keep loving your kids well,” Laterras told us. “Try not to be the reason they need therapy as an adult. Kiss them on the face, though it may annoy them, hug them, tell them ‘I’m proud.’ Give them tough love, but then give them tender love as well.”

Whether your kids are with you full-time or only on weekends, they should never question how much you care. “Tell your kids you love them,” Laterras urged. “Don’t let them grow up love-deficient.”