What Women Want Today: Modern Dating Tips

Sometimes it feels like what women want can flip in an instant.

One minute it’s the Manic Pixie Dream Boy, the next it’s Lumbersexuals. Women are supposedly checking out hedge fund bros while also warding off “Bucket Bunnies” and “Row Hoes” to claim the blue-collar line workers. Figuring out what women want can get really confusing.

And let’s be honest: if anyone cracked THAT code, life would look very different.

Women Want a Man With Hobbies

Hobbies matter. Women surveyed by Date Psychology ranked these among the “most attractive” ones. I’ll get into some more esoteric stuff later, but first, take a look at this list.

• Reading – 98.2%
• Foreign Languages – 95.6%
• Playing an Instrument – 95.4%
• Cooking – 95.1%
• Woodworking – 94.4%
• Painting – 94.1%
• Writing – 93.8%
• Gardening – 93.8%

None of these hobbies is especially hard to take up (fine, a foreign language might be) as long as you set aside a few hours each day and maybe lean on helpful YouTube or TikTok videos for pointers along the way.

Each of these hobbies plays out in its own way, but certain basic feelings and desires will attract most women (and most people, really) no matter what’s trending. I’ve dubbed them the Five Fs: Finance, Friends/Family, Future, Fitness, & Fun.

Being Financially Secure

This one gets tricky right away, since women out-earn men in plenty of metropolitan areas.

And in my humble opinion, we’re still clinging to a somewhat outdated, heteronormative idea that the man has to earn more.

That’s a topic for another article, so let’s stick to what we can control. Women want to know you’re not buried in debt, that money is coming in, and that they won’t have to support you.

Times are tough economically, and nobody expects anything outrageous. Still, showing that you can support yourself, maybe with some savings and a few ideas for boosting your income, goes a long way.

A Solid Circle of Friends & Family

I’m grouping these two together, even though they could easily be separate. What this is really about is how you communicate and interact with the wider world. Think of it as a form of social proof.

Has anyone vouched for you? Are you well liked, and do you enjoy other people? Is your life full of joy, or bitterness?

Women want to feel included in their partner’s family or circle of friends.

A rough childhood or a small group of friends doesn’t rule you out here. What counts more is the way you feel about those things and discuss them. I’m fond of an old saying: “If you meet one a$$ in your day, he’s the a$$. If you meet 10 a$$es in your day, you’re the a$$.”

What do your happy memories revolve around? That shows her what a future with you might look like. And speaking of the future….

Women Want to Picture a Future With You

What’s your plan for the years ahead? Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether you live in your parents’ basement, as long as you have savings, are in school, or have a job and a sense of where you’re headed.

Women want to see that you’re making plans, thinking ahead, and putting your life in order.

Nobody expects your whole future to be charted out, but answering “I dunno, seeing where life takes me,” when she asks about your plans won’t exactly wave a green flag. So what are your passions? If you’re stuck in a dead-end job for now but hunting for a new one and actively building a side hustle, that shows drive.

Tell her about the goals you want the two of you to share in your relationship.

Women also love a man who can shape the physical world, meaning someone who makes real, tangible things rather than just working on paper. If you’re an actuary, garden at home. If coding fills your workday, make a painting or a sculpture and release it into the world.

I build furniture, and I also cross-stitch. Both let me make something and put it into the world where it will last. Look at the graph above, and you’ll see that more than one-third of those hobbies involve making something lasting.

Fitness Definitely Helps

Surprise: most women are NOT on the hunt for chiseled abs and rock-hard biceps. Sure, it might be fun for any of us to feel a toned, well-cared-for body.

But if the mind behind it belongs to an obsessive gym rat who only talks about protein and skinless chicken breasts? Not so much fun.

What women want is someone who takes care of their health. You needn’t be in peak shape; heck, just check out these guys on Reddit.

Drinking every night, living on junk food, and barely moving won’t make it look like you respect your body or yourself. How do you stay active? Even strolling through your city or along the lane gets you out and about.

Girls Want to Have a Good Time

When it comes down to it, we all want a partner who makes us laugh, smile, and enjoy ourselves. I remember going out one night with a client to The Dead Rabbit Pub in NYC. He went on and on about how we needed the perfect line to make women want to talk to us, and so on.

To make my point, I approached two lovely ladies and said, “Hey, my friend and I want to talk to you and entertain you and try and get you to laugh and smile. If we do, we’d like to keep talking to you, and if we don’t, we’ll walk away. How ‘bout that?”

My client was horrified, but the women exchanged a glance, nodded, and said, “OK!” He figured I’d uncovered some hidden truth or said the unsayable. All I’d really done was show what they already knew: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

I’ve got a knack for remembering jokes, so there’s always a corny one ready to go. Yes, people groan and roll their eyes, yet it breaks the tension and earns a smile.

Late-night heart-to-hearts that run long are a fun, needed part of any relationship and of learning about each other, but not everything can be heavy. What spots put a smile on your face?

Having fun makes your eyes light up and gets you excited; your voice picks up energy and volume, and you look happy, which rubs off on them. Now you’ve got a positive feedback loop!

What Women DON’T Want in a Man

It’s helpful to know what women are after, but knowing their major turn-offs matters every bit as much. Here, from that same Date Psychology survey, are the hobbies women rated least attractive.

Again, it’s about more than hobbies; it’s about what’s on the inside. Here are some things that are definitely NOT on women’s wish lists:

Insecurity

She makes more money than you? So what? If that leaves you acting weird, hurt, and emasculated, you won’t be putting your best features on display.

Also, nobody is the best or the worst at ANYTHING. Someone will always be “better” than you at something, but dwelling on it, looking at it, and commenting on it isn’t a good look.

Freeloading

Like I said, you may be “between opportunities” right now, and that’s OK; everyone hits rough patches. The bigger question is how you’re handling it. If you’re giving it everything to turn things around, that’s great!

Even without a job, think about the value you can bring to a partner.

Circling back to finances, she needs to see that you’re self-sufficient and won’t turn into a parasite or a drain on her. Earning a lot less than she does is fine if you pull your weight in the relationship and try to help her out. Handle the cooking, the cleaning, or other chores.

Emotionally Stunted

Guys, harsh truth incoming. There was a time when it was “OK” to bring home a decent paycheck while being a stone, aka an uninvolved husband, aka a dick. Even then, it wasn’t really great, but people accepted it and almost excused it.

That era is over. Today’s women are looking for men with more emotional maturity who’ve evolved.

Do the inner work! Get into therapy. Build social skills, meet people face to face, and invest in your life and your community. Know yourself, develop some communication skills, and stay open to curiosity and change.

Women Want a Man With a Full Life and a Real Personality

Every woman is different, of course, but not one of them wants to date a creep or a loser! What women want is a man with something valuable to offer (not necessarily financial or sexual) who carries himself with confidence.

Not every woman will fall for you, but your prospects in dating will change once you work on yourself and build a rich, satisfying life that a woman won’t need to complete — only to join!