Energy Vampires: How to Spot Takers and Set Boundaries

Here’s a riddle: what links Toby of “The Office,” Jess of “New Girl,” and Regina Carpenter of “Mean Girls”?

They are energy vampires!  

My favorite fictional EV is Colin Robinson of “What We Do in the Shadows,” and I adore him, but in real life, most of them should be avoided at all costs.

So what is an energy vampire (also called an emotional vampire), exactly?

Deep down, I think our gut tells us what one is, and I bet you instantly pictured a certain taker in your life, someone who gives less than they get! They’re the people who leave you feeling smaller after you’ve spent time with them.

They might mean to do it or they might not, but either way, you come out on the losing end. Here are some of the most common kinds of EVs.

The Drama King or Queen

It’s always a five-alarm fire. It’s all happening at the same time, and it’s the wildest thing that has never, ever happened to anyone else. Sure, you’ve got problems, but mine are bigger, and there’s no possible way…

You see what I mean? Some folks need everything cranked to 11. Each tiny thing is a disaster that must be dealt with immediately and absolutely requires your help and support.

Just writing that wore me out.

The Debbie Downer

Some people really do see the glass as half empty. My name for it is “coming from a place of no.” My wife’s is “yucking my yum.”

For starters, they’re pessimistic about everything, though they’d probably call it being practical or realistic. It feels like whenever you mention something good, they counter with something bad.

“You know you’re going to have to pay more taxes on your raise now.” Seriously, relax and let me enjoy the moment.

They’re the gloomy types whose app profiles say, “ I don’t want…, I’m not the kind…, if you aren’t…” Dodging all that negativity can wear you out.

The Victim

There’s nothing wrong with sympathy and empathy. Lying to people to get them, though, is another story.

Certain people thrive on always being the victim, no matter the situation. You were sick? They ended up in the hospital. Somebody was rude to you? Well, they got insulted on their way to work this morning.

It’s one sob story after another. Poor little them, with the entire world against them. Any situation has to be flipped around to focus on what they’re suffering and enduring.

Their flying monkey is so convinced that questioning the story could have them flying down your throat.

The F#@% Everything

Every person, every place, everything: it all sucks. I once had a friend like that, and ultimately I needed to “break up” with her. Because she rubbed people the wrong way, nobody wanted to hang around her.

Doing fun stuff, meeting new people, anything at all? Never interested. All she wanted was to complain about EVERYTHING.

Setting aside time in my week just for her, only to have it turn into a giant pile of negative energy, became completely exhausting.

I needed to end that friendship. No surprise, she didn’t handle it well.

The Blame Game

Workplaces are full of these types. Nothing is ever on them.

Case in point: the current president, who said this when questioned about the economy: “The good part is my part, and the bad part is the other guy’s part.” Sorry, that’s not how it works.

You don’t get to have it both ways.

The mistake always belongs to somebody else, never to them. Point it out to their face, and they’ll still argue that it absolutely wasn’t their fault.

If you lack the cohones to own up when you’re wrong, you’re basically a toddler with extra steps.

The Machiavellian

This type is a master manipulator. Their reasoning can turn into an intricate maze with zero accountability.

It never happened. And even if it did, it wasn’t so bad.

And if it was bad, it’s no big deal.

And if it’s a big deal, I’m not to blame.

And if I am, it wasn’t on purpose.

And if it was, you had it coming.

Whatever the situation, they’ll try to squeeze a “win” out of it, even when there’s no need.

They talk slippery, and you can never tell whether they mean it. Reading between the lines or decoding their game takes far too much effort. Bye.

4 Ways to Handle Takers

The people you love, including friends and partners, should leave you feeling full and recharged, not wiped out! So how can you shield yourself from these energy sucks?

1. Limit Your Time

Whenever you can, spend less time around them. With family, go on more walks. With school friends, make plans on your own.

At work, engage only when you need a professional question answered or a task done. With a romantic partner, think about breaking up.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Learning to set boundaries and stick to them is a huge part of growing into a happy, healthy person.

Learning that “No” is a complete sentence will get you far in life.

Tell them when you need room to refill your cup. Say so when you feel overwhelmed or drained. Ask them for a break.

3. Adjust Your Expectations

Another great skill to pick up is recognizing who people really are and learning not to react to them. If someone keeps letting you down by canceling plans, it can help to accept that they’ll never show up for you.

Once you see them clearly, they lose their power to hurt you.

4. Don’t Get Sucked Into Arguments

They’ve accepted who they are. You have to do the same.

“I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.” — HeleBorg on X

Don’t expect them to abruptly “see the light” and thank you for setting them straight. They won’t argue in good faith, either. You’ll get riled up, and they’ll just keep pulling a bigger reaction out of you. Switch to Grey Rock and deny them the satisfaction of watching you get upset.

Bonus Section: What If I’m the Energy Vampire?

I’ll be honest, a few of these hit a bit too close to home. Yes, I do enjoy being the center of attention, though I try to share the spotlight.

I’ve got plenty of energy and I get excited easily, so someone could accuse me of adding a teeny bit of drama.

If a few of these emotional vampire examples felt a bit too familiar, this is what to do:

Express Gratitude

Catch yourself monopolizing the conversation or the energy, or launching into a monologue? Pause and let people know you value them and the time you spend together.

Among friends, a quick apology can do a lot of good.

Be Aware of Your Relationships

Not every relationship (in fact, none of them) exists to supply you with energy. Some of your friends and relatives likely need a bit of your energy now and then, too.

“It’s important to understand that friends or social connections serve an important function in our lives, but they shouldn’t be solely responsible for meeting your every need,” according to psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD.

Consider Your Stressors

Are you carrying a mountain of stress? Does it make you snap at people, maybe without meaning to? Loads of us go around with stress tanks that are always on the verge of overflowing.

It’s on us to drain that tank on our own so we aren’t siphoning energy from other people.

Journaling, yoga, breathwork, mindfulness, and simply spending time outdoors can all bring that level down.

Get Extra Help

My therapist is the reason I got into this field. I’ve sat through plenty of sessions over the years, and I still go back for a “tune-up” now and then.

Seeking mental health support, particularly for men, is clutch for understanding what drives you and making sure it isn’t harming you somehow.

Bonus: you’re literally paying someone to hear you gripe for an hour! You get things off your chest and get some “healthy” energy vampire time!

What They Really Want to Drink: Your Attention and Empathy

A few more EV traits:

• They crave the spotlight at all times.
• Everything is exaggerated.
• Talking with them leaves you exhausted.
• You have to psych yourself up before seeing them.
• They take from people and give nothing back.

Once more, none of this may be on purpose. The person might be wrestling with other issues or trauma they haven’t resolved.

People with some clinical disorders (anxiety, depression, or narcissistic personality disorder) may develop energy vampire tendencies without realizing it.