Alexandra Roxo Helps Mothers Embrace Their Sexuality

The Short Version: The year is 2024. Women make up over half of the workforce, have traveled around the moon, and plainly dominate the music world. Surely it’s time moms got to feel sexy in the skin they’re in? Alexandra Roxo, a bestselling author and intimacy coach, is at the front of that push with a message that empowers women. She urges her clients and followers to celebrate how sexy a mother’s life-giving body is.

My mother taught me a great deal. Not only the usual parenting lessons you’d expect, such as how to ride a bike, apply to college, or do your taxes. She also showed me that women, and mothers above all, don’t need to squeeze into the narrow, preset boxes society has built for them.

Women who have kids can hold respected, prestigious, well-paid jobs that make them their family’s main earner. They can jump on a plane and have wild, crazy adventures around the globe with no guilt at all.

Women who have kids (brace yourself, world) can feel beautiful, sexy, and empowered in their own bodies. And it isn’t just that they can; they should. Imagine that, right?

Growing up with that kind of role model has done wonders for how I see self-love and relationships, and for how I understand feeling sexy as a grown woman who may one day be a mother.

I realize that may not sound like a revolutionary insight, but ask any mother (or childbearing parent) and you’ll hear the same thing: the world still has plenty of growing up to do in how it understands sexuality and the place it holds in motherhood.

Everywhere you look, mothers are still criticized, shamed, and discouraged from showing off, or even feeling, how sexy their bodies are after giving birth. They’re fated to live out their lives feeling undesirable, both to themselves and to others.

Thankfully, plenty of people have taken up the fight so women can feel good in themselves. And one of the bravest in that fight is Alexandra Roxo.

A bestselling author, Alexandra is also a guru of everything to do with feminine embodiment. Drawing on her expertise in intimacy, relationships, and sexuality, she guides women as they smash (pun intended) the mental blocks that stop them from stepping into the vivacious, voluptuous, sexy goddesses they are.

Alexandra is an expert on intimacy, relationships, and the path to empowerment.

Her coaching and writing have reached thousands of people around the world, mothers in particular.

“I think something that we have been indoctrinated into culturally is that when a woman becomes a mother, her sexuality goes down the drain, or just gets placed on the backburner for a little while,” Alexandra tells us. 

But as my Mom believed, and as Alexandra teaches, it doesn’t have to be this way. Not if Alexandra has any say in it.

Rethinking What We’re Told After Birth

Does anybody else remember the reaction when Kim Kardashian first posted a bikini photo after she had North, her first child? Millions were up in arms over the “gall” of it.

The comments kept coming, one after another, with lines like “How can you dress like that? You’re a mom now!” or “You know your kids are gonna see this one day, right?” As though once you give birth, your right to feel beautiful or sexual in any form vanishes with your placenta.

Alexandra teaches her clients, along with the countless others who find her work, that none of this is true. For starters, she scoffs at the notion that a body after birth can’t be every bit as hot and desirable as it was before motherhood, or even more so.

“We should look at it through a lens that goes beyond what the mainstream culture would call ‘sexy.’ You can think of it as being in this body that can give birth and wearing these bras that are full of milk; there is something inherently sexy about that. And it just means that we have to reclaim that for ourselves. And we have to look and go ‘Hmm maybe this is actually really hot — I’m so fertile, so alive, I’m juicy, I’m curvaceous.’” 

According to Alexandra, feeling sexy in your body is barely about how you look.

At its core, this shift has hardly anything to do with how your body actually looks and nearly everything to do with how you think about it. Alexandra tells us that sexiness is a state of mind, not a look. And sometimes sex isn’t even part of it.

“What I teach is that it’s really beyond physical intercourse. You can not be having physical intercourse, but still have a beautiful, radiant sexual energy in your body. It’s more of an approach to life.” 

Alexandra explains that every single mother can wield her inner sexy goddess’s power, if she’s ready to believe it.

“What I would love to see women do is give themselves the space to allow for the possibility of feeling sexy, without just assuming ‘Oh, I should just go put on my sweats’ or ‘Give me six months to lose the baby weight,’” she said. “Instead go ‘Oh, how can I embody this f*cking radiant badass that I am; I just made a human! That’s crazy!’”

That means finding your way back to feeling sexy doesn’t require new lingerie, a new sex toy, or the newest fitness craze. It begins with small steps that let sexiness into your life.

“This could be simply saying ‘I’m open to feeling sexy postpartum. Yup, that’s right!’. Or it may mean just putting on a song and dancing in your kitchen and saying to yourself ‘Oh, I feel a little bit more sexy’, versus just resigning and throwing in the towel because culture has told you that’s what you should do.”

Keeping the Spark Going: Advice for the Non-Birthing Partner

Women hold the power to stay open to feeling sexy, but nobody should expect them to shoulder the whole transformation alone. Partners have a vital part to play here, too.

Alexandra explains: “For the non-birthing parent or the non-feeding parent, I would urge you to be cautious that you’re not putting the overlay of the ‘desexualized gaze’ on your partner just because they’re now a parent or now nursing or they just gave birth through their vagina, which is often un-eroticized. Just show your partner that you still see them as the delicious lover that you’re choosing, not just a partner who’s caregiving.”

You can show your partner love and desire in plenty of ways, and none of them need to be grand romantic gestures. Alexandra refers to these as micro moments.

“You can look for these little moments throughout your day that create intimacy; it may be a longing gaze that you give your partner when the baby’s asleep, one where you just look at them and breathe in and you’re like ‘Oh, you know I want you right?’ It may not mean I want you right now. And it may not happen for two months. It’s just about acknowledging that energy between you and keeping that energy alive.”

After giving birth, each woman goes through her own (entirely valid) changes, whether hormonal, physical, emotional, or some mix of the three. With that in mind, Alexandra can’t emphasize enough how important communication is all the way through.

Real connection lives in the little moments.

“Some couples are not prepared for the woman not wanting to have sex. Not wanting it at all,” she said. “And you’re not meant to want to have a strong libido because your body and biology is saying ‘What? You just had a baby!’ So, that’s something that I think couples should talk about ahead of time. Be like ‘Hey, what are we gonna do if I don’t want to? You know, ‘What are some other ways that we can engage? Or ‘Let’s make sure we talk about it so that neither one of us is hiding or ashamed.’” 

Then again, the childbearing parent might discover she’s never felt sexier. I imagine pushing something the size of a watermelon into the world can do that to you. What matters, Alexandra says, is that “there’s no right or wrong way.”

Every person reacts to life after birth in their own way, and if you and your partner keep talking openly, you lower the chances of hurt feelings and distance creeping into your relationship.

Women Get to Flip the Script

Alexandra encourages women to find the sexiness in life after giving birth. She said the moment has come for women to flip the script.

“Moms can be sexy. New parenthood can be sexy. We don’t have to adopt the old beliefs and language around it that was passed on to us from our moms or grandmas.”

That doesn’t mean, though, that mothers can’t have off days when all they want is to feel like crap, throw on sweatpants, and let their inner gremlin out.

“We’re allowed to be annoyed with our bodies. And be unhappy with our bodies. But let’s not get stuck there,” she said. “Because if we get stuck there, we’re really doing ourselves a disservice — and we’re really doing our kids a disservice, too, when we could be letting them feel the power of a mom who feels good in her body.”