Get in Dating Shape: 4 Growth Goals for Gay Singles

Committing to the gym, whether to lose weight or sculpt a dream physique, may be one of the most popular goals people set for a better life. But what if we also set dating goals that raise the odds of meeting compatible partners and building healthy relationships?

If the part of you that’s hungry for a life makeover likes the sound of that, read on. This article covers four “muscle groups” you can build up in your “workouts” for growth and self-development, so you have better luck in dating and draw in the man you’ve been hoping to find.

1. Build Your Sense of Self

This first “muscle group” matters for everyone, whatever their relationship status. The aim is to get our lives running as smoothly as possible, so we’re available to a romantic partner emotionally as well as physically.

Skip this step and we might ruin something good just because we can’t commit to building a relationship without too much distraction, stress, or overwhelm.

To strengthen your sense of self, look at all the areas of your life (family, friendships, career, finances, spirituality, sexuality, health and wellness, etc.) and note what’s strong and what’s weak in each one.

Spot any gaps between where you are now and where you’d like to be. Then set self-improvement goals to strengthen those muscles. A personal life that feels whole, fulfilling, and expansive gives off positive energy that sustains you and draws others in.

It’s also an ideal moment to build purpose and passion into your life beyond dating.

If no passion project jumps out right away, look at your values and the peak experiences of your life for clues about where to focus. What makes you tick? What do you care about? What legacy do you hope to leave? What makes you feel truly alive?

2. Draft a Blueprint for the Ultimate Boyfriend

Instead of letting hormones, chemistry, and attraction drive your dating decisions, put in the work ahead of time to get clear on precisely what kind of man would be truly compatible with you.

This is where knowing your values pays off. Write out a thorough list of every quality and trait you’d like a partner to have. Which are non-negotiable needs? Which could you be flexible on?

Negotiable means you’d be willing to compromise or sacrifice to continue the involvement. Non-negotiable means this is a dealbreaker for the relationship. 

Turn your non-negotiable needs into a screening tool for dating, so you only invest in relationships that meet those personal criteria.

Of course, that’s far easier said than done once the dopamine and oxytocin start flowing around a gorgeous man you just met. Still, slowing these relationships down so you can check them properly against your values and needs will spare you plenty of grief and heartache.

3. Understand Your Psychology and Work on Healing

Each of us carries wounds and unmet needs to some degree. If we ignore them, we may act out old hurts or unresolved trauma through self-defeating behavior that creates problems of its own. Left unchecked, these triggered moments can undermine our relationships.

Try to pinpoint any “unfinished business” from your past. Understand the limits of your particular attachment style, and deal with any fears, distractions, or defense mechanisms that might surface in your relationships.

Seeing a therapist or coach can play a key role in healing and recovery. Even when life is going well, our mental health needs nurturing and feeding so we stay resilient. Don’t skip this muscle.

If your relationships have tended to leave you unfulfilled, do some personal digging into why that might be. In any relationship, it takes two to tango, and each partner contributes to dynamics that can systemically lead to conflict.

Mapping out a “Relationship Timeline” can reveal recurring themes and patterns, both in the kinds of partners you’re drawn to and in the dynamics that led to conflict and breakups.

Take a sheet of paper and draw one straight line across it. Along it, list every dating relationship you’ve had in order, then look at each one from a psychological angle.

Are there patterns? Do they point to areas where healing matters? Do you notice recurring unmet needs, or meanings you formed in childhood, that may be playing out in your adult relationships?

Put your energy into working through these psychological blocks so you can reach your full potential.

4. Develop Healthy Relationship Skills

We live among other people, so strong social skills go a long way in social settings, and they can certainly help you carry yourself confidently in dating.

The good news is that relationship skills can be learned. Assess your social skills and keep building on them. Use this checklist:

• Can you start a conversation and keep it going?
• How well do you communicate and listen?
• Can you work through conflict in healthy ways? How good are you at flirting?
• Can you handle your introversion or extroversion so it doesn’t get in the way of your relationships?
• Is shyness holding you back?
• Can you assert yourself and set healthy boundaries?

These are just a few of the people skills that matter for moving through our social world and handling all kinds of dating situations.

Sign up for classes, join an improv group, try Toastmasters to practice public speaking, or go on personal growth retreats.

Developing these skills builds strong confidence and self-esteem muscles that will help you handle whatever the dating jungle throws at you.

Work on Self-Improvement Inside & Out!

As you work on that body at the gym, give your dating muscles some attention too. Putting time into your personal growth and mental health can give your well-being a real boost and have a strong positive effect on your relationships.

Make this the year of whole-person health and wellness. Take steps that strengthen your sense of purpose and your resolve.

Remember: if you want to meet Mr. Right, become Mr. Right. These four categories show you where to put your effort as you help yourself grow into your best and most dateable self.