Vulnerable Conversations Lead to Better Sex

The Short Version: When a couple’s sex life falls out of sync, it can leave both partners confused and disoriented. Austin Cresap, a therapist specializing in sex and relationships at PNW Sex Therapy Collective who is launching a practice of her own, I Came Here to Talk, told us why couples can end up with mismatched sexual needs and how honest, secure communication can help them work through it.

Communication ranks among the biggest challenges couples deal with. A secure relationship rests on healthy communication, and when that foundation starts to wobble, the connection can take a hit.

Couples run into communication trouble in different areas and for different reasons, but each of those struggles is a chance to grow and draw closer. Open, safe communication is what nurtures real emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy.

Still, talking about sex isn’t always easy, even for two people who are sleeping together in a relationship. Austin Cresap, who works as a sex, relationship, and intimacy therapist, spoke with us about sex, intimacy, and communication, and how the three are always shaping and informing one another.

Austin works in Seattle, Washington, at PNW Sex Therapy Collective, and she’ll soon open a practice of her own, I Came Here to Talk. Her specialty is working with individuals and couples who are dealing with desire discrepancy.

Many desire discrepancy struggles come down to communication. Austin walked us through why they happen, the different types of desire, and the ways sex therapy can support couples whose levels of desire don’t match.

“A large part of sexual disconnect can stem from fear of communicating around sex and intimacy,” Austin said. “And more overarching, it comes from a difficulty with being vulnerable. It’s a hard thing for many people.”

Helping Couples Ease Into Tough Topics

According to Austin, people can feel hesitant or anxious about discussing sex for lots of reasons. Many people get no education about sex or sexual intimacy, yet they’re supposed to know how to perform. That’s an unreasonable expectation.

“We’re not taught how to communicate about sex and pleasure,” Austin said. “There are all these messages that if you don’t know or if someone has to communicate about it, that means you’re bad or there is something wrong.”

Plenty of clients arrive at Austin’s office wanting better sex lives. The first step toward deeper sexual intimacy is communication.

“We have to start on communication– let’s work on not arguing about the dishwasher first,” Austin said. “We start by easing into getting comfortable with hard topics that are non-sexual.”

When couples practice communicating better about topics that have nothing to do with sex, they lay the groundwork for talking honestly and openly about their sex lives.

Austin said couples who struggle sexually are struggling with communication, too.

“We talk about what they like, what they don’t like, and their communication differences with these non-sexual topics, and then we move into self-pleasure,” Austin said. By self-pleasure, Austin doesn’t necessarily mean masturbation.

“We’re asking questions about what you enjoy, what feels good in your body, and how you know it feels good,” Austin explained. “Questions like: ‘What temperature do you like in the shower,’ or ‘What scent is your body wash?’”

These non-sexual, sensory-based questions help couples notice the small parts of pleasure and intimacy. In the end, the questions and conversations give couples a clearer sense of how their intimacy works beyond sex.

That understanding can light the way to a better sexual connection. “Education and access to resources is also so important, and I start with that with couples, too,” Austin said. “Books like ‘Come As You Are’ offer a great foundation.”

Handling Desire Discrepancy

Many couples deal with desire discrepancy. When one partner’s sex drive is higher or lower than the other’s, a range of emotional and relationship challenges can surface.

It’s perfectly normal for partners to want sex at different levels, and plenty of factors can cause it. Sexual desire can be shaped by stress, lifestyle, health, and hormonal shifts. Problems within the relationship can lead to desire discrepancy as well.

Left unaddressed, desire discrepancy can do serious damage to a relationship. Partners often feel inadequate, rejected, and frustrated, and they can get stuck in a harmful loop of poor communication and ongoing disconnection.

Austin starts by educating couples who are facing a desire discrepancy. “So many people don’t know about the different types of desire. There is spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and often when there’s a desire discrepancy in play, we have different desire types,” she said.

Tell your partner what you enjoy, both in and out of the bedroom.

As Austin put it, spontaneous desire is sexual desire that comes from “nothing or anything.” People with spontaneous desire experience wanting sex, and go about initiating it, differently from people with responsive desire.

“A person with responsive desire really needs a certain set of stimuli for their body to be ready to step into that space,” Austin said. “It could be anything from the laundry has been folded, to the to-do list is done, to being sure nobody is going to walk into the room.”

Austin said that when one partner in a couple has spontaneous desire and the other has responsive desire, the responsive partner often gets labeled as the one with the lower drive.

When couples dealing with desire discrepancy come to see Austin, she begins by figuring out what the partner with responsive desire needs in order to feel turned on.

“We ask how long it takes them to get into that space and what gets them there,” Austin said. “Once we understand those levels, we can start to decide what they want when they want sex, and what they don’t want.”

Austin helps clients figure out what feels good to each of them and how to use that knowledge to strengthen their connection.

“Sex isn’t just physical for couples,” Austin said. “There’s connection, there’s intimacy. So finding out what feels good to each partner gets us close to that middle ground.”

Small, Intimate Moments That Can Spark Your Sex Life

Keeping sexual intimacy alive starts with keeping emotional intimacy alive in the relationship. When couples share small moments of connection, like quick inside jokes, a simple cuddle, or time together without interruptions, they’re reinforcing the base of their intimacy as a couple.

Those little moments are often the first thing to disappear when life gets hectic. Couples juggling jobs, kids, and household responsibilities can feel swamped as they try to carve out time for each other. Austin said it’s essential that they do.

“My suggestions for finding and maintaining intimacy aren’t always realistic,” Austin said. “Couples with children may roll their eyes. If you can find time each week, where you’re not talking about kids, chores, work, and instead just focus on being intentional doing something relaxing for the two of you.”

Planning a date night, sharing jokes, and cuddling are a few ways couples can stay close.

Overcoming sexual disconnect depends on learning to handle conflict. It’s one thing to bring patience and empathy to a calm conversation, but bringing them to heated or emotional discussions is something else.

For couples who want to handle conflict better, Austin suggested communication guides and safe words.

“There are a lot of communication rubrics out there that can be super helpful,” she said. “I also have couples create a safe word for when they’re getting too elevated and need to take a step back before things get too heated.”

Whatever obstacle or challenge a couple faces, being open-minded is an important first step toward dealing with it.

“Curiosity is your biggest tool,” Austin said. “Just get curious about what feels good, what people mean when they’re talking– just explore. Our bodies and our wants change, and our desires change. Get curious with the ebb and flow.”