Talking Openly About Sex Can Make Your Love Life Better

The Short Version: As a sexologist with ties to the sex product industry, Dr. Mindy DeSeta brings an unusual background that gives her insight into both the mental and physical sides of sex. With her guidance, talking about sex (with yourself, with your partner, and even with your kids) can be emotionally rewarding.

Sex is off-limits as a subject in plenty of homes, and frankly, I get it. Sex is intimacy and vulnerability at their peak. It mostly happens behind closed doors, shared by two consenting people bound by friendship, lust, and love.

You might expect age and experience to make sex feel less taboo, but in reality, many of us are as intimidated by it as adults as we were as kids.

Perhaps the real issue is that we can’t talk about sex, can’t put into words how we feel about it. That’s where Dr. Mindy DeSeta of Insight Counseling Center can help.

Dr. Mindy DeSeta helps clients at Insight Counseling Center work through common sexual struggles.

Dr. Mindy’s career could hardly be more varied. Besides running a private practice as a licensed psychotherapist, she serves as a sexologist for a sex toy conglomerate whose popular brands include Fredericks of Hollywood, the Rabbit company, and Yandy.

Dr. Mindy’s interest in psychology and sex grew out of wanting to help people, particularly those who find it hard to talk openly about their sexual problems. “I noticed one common theme among almost all of my clients: physical intimacy challenges,” she said.

We all run into ‘intimacy challenges’ now and then, yet sex remains a taboo subject. How can you fix what’s wrong in the bedroom without ever talking about it?

“A lot of what I do today is help people calm their anxieties around sex so that they can live their best sex life,” Dr. Mindy said. 

Start by Talking to Yourself About Sex

Leaving something unsaid lets anxiety grow. Avoiding the subject is tempting, but over time it only deepens the pain.

“There was a lot of performance anxiety, male and female related, where they would avoid having sex with their partner or any other people,” Dr. Mindy said. That’s how the gap between two partners widens.

Don’t let taboos keep you from asking experts like Dr. Mindy for help.

People often come to Dr. Mindy for help with what seems like an acute problem, and then discover that its root cause lies buried beneath years of shame, trauma, and avoidance. “We work on fixing the crisis, and then we back up and try to find what caused it,” she said.

Dr. Mindy’s sexology work has brought her every kind of person with every kind of problem. Among the physical issues she most often helps clients get past, she listed erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. “With vulva owners, you might have pain or an inability to orgasm,” she added.

Sometimes an issue that looks physical actually stems from a mental block. If your doctor finds no physical cause for your symptoms, it may be worth seeing a sexual psychotherapist such as Dr. Mindy.

She recommends communicating with yourself just as much as with your partner.

Because shame about sex starts inside us, getting more at ease with an open conversation about sex in your own head may make it easier to discuss with your partner. As Dr. Mindy told us, one way to do that is to remind yourself of your own role in your sex life.

Not every sexual issue is physical; some are mental.

“I think there’s a huge myth out there that our partner gives us an orgasm,” Dr. Mindy explained. “But we have to give ourselves orgasms. It’s not a gift. If we’re not orgasming, we have to look into ourselves to see what’s going on.” 

Perhaps, without realizing it, you’re keeping yourself from intimacy because you fear losing some physical control. Whatever the cause, a bit of introspection will probably help you figure it out.

A therapist can help foster the sort of inner dialogue you need to move past the mental blocks affecting your sex life. “I think therapy is a luxury. I think it’s time you actually get to dedicate to yourself and/or your relationship,” Dr. Mindy said.

Use those sessions to get in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself what you want and long for and, just as important, what you don’t want or long for. Once you have those answers, you can begin sharing them with your partner.

Talk About Sex With Your Partner

As Dr. Mindy reminded us, “sex is between the ears, not just between the legs.” If the sexual spark has faded from your relationship, reaching your partner’s emotional side may help. Ask them, “How can we connect emotionally again?”

According to Dr. Mindy, a huge number of the problems people have in bed come down to a failure to communicate.

“Maybe they’re not communicating what they like. Maybe they don’t know what they like,” she suggested. In either case, communication, whether inward or outward, could help rekindle the romance, awkward as it may be.

Couples need to keep talking about sex, particularly as they get older.

Say your partner thinks they know your anatomy, but your lack of pleasure tells a different story. Rather than faking it, gently guide your partner on a personal tour of your body.

Imagine a long-term couple who have only just begun having trouble in the bedroom. Dr. Mindy said that’s not unusual, since bodies and pleasure change as time goes by. “The sex talk needs to be constant in a relationship,” she said.

When we say “sex talk,” we mean an ongoing conversation about your sex life, possibly including your sexual fantasies. According to Dr. Mindy, “If two people talk about what feels good, what they maybe want to try, what they like, and what they don’t like,” they’re having healthy conversations about sex.

A regular “sex talk” can double as a sexy check-in with your partner.

Whenever I think of “the sex talk,” I recall the cringey day Mom sat me down to explain the birds and the bees. She didn’t cover everything, of course, since the plain biology alone was uncomfortable enough without adding words like “pleasure” and “orgasm” to the conversation. Women? Talking about pleasure? What a crazy idea!

Still, as Dr. Mindy noted, getting comfortable talking about sex as a teenager may be the best foundation for a healthy dialogue about it later.

Talk About Sex With Your Kids

Naturally, how open parents want to be with their children about sex is their call. But your child may well have already seen all kinds of confusing explicit material online, possibly before they even reach double digits.

Dr. Mindy says that because kids spend so much time on social media and the internet, they’re likely getting a sort of sex “education” their parents wouldn’t sign off on. Instagram is packed with racy pictures, YouTube overflows with content that’s NSFW (or unsafe for children), and other social platforms make it easier than ever to connect with strangers. On top of that, pornography is easy to access.

Dr. Mindy suggests bringing up sex with kids once they’re 8 or older.

“Parents should start talking to their kids about sex earlier than I think any parent ever expects, or even earlier than they maybe feel comfortable with,” Dr. Mindy suggested. “The data is showing that parents should talk to their children about porn at age 8.” 

If you’re like me, your jaw just dropped. Eight? It sounds alarmingly young, but that’s because both pornography and the Internet have become alarmingly easy for 8-year-olds to reach.

With young, impressionable minds in danger, Dr. Mindy advises a proactive approach to sex education. “Porn is so addictive that a kid’s brain will become addicted to it, and you won’t know. They’re not going to tell you. And that’s where a lot of the dysfunction starts.”

Shame around sex begins in childhood, so it may be wise to make the subject as open and comfortable as you can for kids, so they don’t go looking for an “education” on their phones.

Dr. Mindy understands the reluctance many parents feel about discussing sex with an 8-year-old, but she’s also clear-eyed about reality: children run into adult themes all the time, sometimes in ways that could do lasting damage. So you might as well have some say in what they hear and when.

Talking about sex can give adolescents more confidence and knowledge as they go through life.

As a sex therapist, Dr. Mindy is well acquainted with taboo. “I get a lot of taboo and stigma in the field where people still get afraid of what I represent. And it really is my whole mission in life to bring out age-appropriate education about sex,” she said.

She believes that talking more openly about sex with our kids could help their future relationships be healthier, happier, and more fulfilling. After all, knowledge is power.

At any age, communication can do your sex life good, particularly with a sexologist like Dr. Mindy helping you find the words.