Still Hung Up on His Ex? 5 Clear Signs

Few things are more frustrating than at last meeting a guy you’d like to settle down with and then being unable to shake the nagging suspicion that he’s still pining for his ex-boyfriend or thinking about him.

You know he has a past, of course, but you’d also hope he isn’t distracted by the exes who broke his heart, and that he’s excited and driven by the chance at a healthier, more fulfilling relationship — with you!

So how do you know whether your guy is stuck on a past love in a way that might get in the way of what you’re building with him?

Here are a few telltale signs that could set off your radar.

1. His ex comes up again and again

Whatever you’re discussing, your guy somehow manages to work his ex into the conversation, whether as an example, to relive the glory days, to trash him, or to sing his praises.

Whether he mentions him in a positive or negative light, it still shows the ex holds some meaning for him (possibly without your partner realizing it).

What matters here is that the behavior is repetitive, patterned, and consistent. Sometimes the opposite, never mentioning his ex at all, can be a clue too.

2. His ex is still saved in his phone or email

Trouble letting go might also show up in his keeping his ex’s number in his address book or phone. Even if they’re no longer in touch, his inability to delete it could be symbolic and carry some meaning.

The same goes for hanging on to love letters, photos, or gifts from his ex, keeping them in plain sight and handling them often.

3. He says his ex’s name during sex

That may be a little dramatic, but a steady pattern of sensing that your boyfriend isn’t all there during intimacy can be a sign. Or have sexual difficulties started to creep into the bedroom?

He could of course be distracted for a host of other reasons, but when some of these other factors are present, this could be one explanation.

This isn’t proof that he’s fantasizing about sleeping with his ex. It may reflect an adjustment he’s going through as he gets intimate with a new man instead of the one he last felt comfortable with — his ex.

4. He spends every spare moment with his ex

Plenty of gay men seem able to stay platonic friends with their exes, but if you notice an imbalance between the time he spends with his ex and the time he spends with you, that might be a clue.

Which of the two relationships gets more of his energy? If you feel a push/pull dynamic, with your boyfriend warm and attentive one moment and distant the next, that could also point to unresolved feelings for his ex.

5. He keeps track of his ex’s every move

When your boyfriend follows his ex’s life closely, with determination and too much curiosity, it may point to unfinished business.

Examples that would back up this possibility include regularly trolling his ex’s social media posts or asking friends what the ex has been up to.

What can you do about it?

1. Allow your partner some time to grieve the loss of his prior relationship.

Everyone needs time to recover from a breakup, and each person does it in their own fashion and on their own timeline. His distraction might be unrelated to how happy he is to be with you now.

2. Avoid letting paranoia sabotage a good thing that you have going.

Don’t make assumptions. Take a realistic look at yourself to be sure you aren’t projecting your own issues onto the situation, and that jealousy isn’t clouding your view of what’s going on.

Put your energy into removing these emotional barriers, and look at what role you might be playing in the relationship’s problems.

3. Communicate your concerns with your partner in a non-judgmental way.

Lean on “I feel” statements, affirm how much this relationship means to you, and point out inconsistencies in your partner’s behavior (not in him as a person!), backed by factual examples and evidence, that have left you with questions.

“Help me understand” and “How can I help?” can be useful questions. Don’t hesitate to say what you need, and work together so your relationship feels more secure.

Working things through with a couples counselor or coach can help too.

Which other signs have you run into? How did you handle this dilemma?