Does Cybersex Count as Cheating?

Partners in new dating relationships and long-term partnerships often write to me, upset because they've found out their boyfriends are into cybersex, whether that means watching porn or joining online chats with other men.

A lot of them wonder whether it's something to worry about. Others are on the verge of a breakup, feeling cheated on even though nothing physical has happened.

The answers aren't black and white

Since the Internet arrived, sex-focused websites have flooded the airwaves, making sexual titillation and release easier to get than ever.

One click brings instant stimulation for the eyes and the loins, which definitely has its upsides and downsides.

For singles, unattached people, the lonely, and those living far from any sexual partners or opportunities, these sites can offer a much-needed outlet for meeting sexual needs, provided they're used in a way that isn't addictive.

What about people who are already in relationships, though? Can couples get anything good out of these sites, or do they threaten the commitment and viability of those partnerships?

It's one of those issues where right and wrong aren't clear-cut; the answer will vary between couples, depending on their values and relationship agreements.

An off-limits topic

The trouble is that this is often a taboo subject couples just don't discuss, and that silence is both the problem and an opening for secrets and lies to take root.

Left undiscussed, this kind of behavior can erode a relationship's trust and integrity.

Sometimes ignorance is why the talk never happens. In other cases, one partner or both fear how their boyfriend might react, worry that feelings could get hurt, or dread losing access to something they enjoy.

Whatever the cause, failing to talk through each partner's views on cybersex's realities ranks among the biggest sources of conflict for today's gay couples.

The real danger comes when one or both partners form an emotional bond with someone online, use these activities to avoid each other or to self-medicate against stress or relationship problems, or become obsessive-compulsive about it, to the point that the partner and the relationship get neglected.

When both partners consent to cybersex activities, set clear expectations and boundaries, and stick to the limits they've agreed on, it can actually enhance the couple’s sex life.

Watching porn together, reenacting scenes from it, or turning to sex chats for titillation and foreplay: couples can use any of these to expand their sexuality and satisfaction.

It can serve as a space to act out fantasies and explore different sexual interests and roles, though only when it's done in a way that benefits the relationship somehow (and meets individual needs without compromising the partner or the relationship).

So how can couples, whether they just started dating or have been together for years, raise this important topic to head off future conflicts?

1. Find out what he thinks

Once your relationship reaches the point where you're starting to talk about sexual needs and preferences, ask your partner what he believes and thinks about every form of cybersex, and what his views are.

Is it cheating, or a way to enhance the relationship?

This conversation can teach you a lot about each other, and it's best to have it while you're still screening dates, to find out whether your values and philosophies line up or amount to a deal-breaker.

If you disagree, you'll have to figure out how much cybersex matters to you in the grand scheme of a relationship, and whether the two of you are compatible enough to keep going.

2. Agree on some ground rules

If you see eye to eye, work as a team to draw up a sort of “Cybersex Agreement/Contract” that you'll both follow faithfully.

One way is for each of you to write your own list of what is and isn't OK for you and your partner, then compare preferences.

Where your lists differ, negotiate until you reach an agreement you're both comfortable with.

3. Hash out the agreement's details

Since people and relationships evolve, check in with your partner from time to time to make sure the terms of your “contract” still suit you both, revising them when needed.

You'll also want rules on whether you let each other know each time either of you engages in cybersex (before, after, or both), or whether you both understand that either of you can play without checking in first.

Will you do it together, on your own, or both? How much time spent on it is acceptable?

This might feel like overkill, but what matters most is protecting and respecting your partner and your relationship.

Don't end up as a statistic

Plenty of relationships have ended because of cybersex, and you want to make sure yours isn't added to that list.

Don't shy away from having this talk, and never assume you know what your partner believes.

How do you feel about the reality of cybersex today, with so many chat rooms, forums, and online dating sites, and about its effect on gay relationships? What's your experience been? Is it cheating, in your view? Or is it OK? What limits and boundaries have you and your boyfriend put in place? Do tell!