Stay or Go? How Couples Can Heal After Betrayal

The Short Version: Couples therapist Jason Polk talked candidly with us about the reasons our closest loved ones betray us, and whether reconciliation can happen. As Jason explained, relationship betrayal doesn’t always mean cheating; it can be any action by your partner that breaks your trust. Understanding your own actions and your partner’s lets you begin rebuilding trust.

Every couple handles the fallout of betrayal in its own way. For some, it means a heated confrontation full of ultimatums, tears, and harsh words. Others spend one night on the couch before returning to bed the following evening. And sometimes there’s barely any fallout at all, only an uncomfortable silence and a half-hearted vow to forgive and forget.

Your partner may have cheated, lied, or broken your trust some other way. Whatever form it took, it’s a betrayal, but life goes on. Decisions have to be made, ultimatums enforced, and futures reconsidered.

Couples can experience betrayal in forms other than infidelity. The therapists at Colorado Relationship Recovery help couples move past betrayal.

Right after a betrayal, you may be tempted to cut your partner off completely, and even more tempted to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Couples therapist Jason Polk pulls back that rug so partners can repair their broken bonds. He helps couples figure out where they stand after a betrayal. Is reconciliation possible? Is it even what the two of you want?

Therapists such as Jason at Colorado Relationship Recovery in Denver help couples make sense of their own behavior. We asked Jason to explain the recovery side of couples counseling. Once you’re out of tears or tired of the silence, Jason helps the two of you gather the pieces of your broken trust and fit them back together.

Understand Your Own Actions, Even If You Were Wronged

Every betrayal grows from something. Most of the time, people lie or cheat only because a problem already exists. To make your relationship work, you’ll need to commit, whether or not you were the one who betrayed, to digging up those roots, naming the problems, and accepting your share of responsibility for the relationship’s decline.

Jason Polk (LCSW, LAC) walks couples through the recovery process.

Jason offers couples a safe place to explore these issues, along with the words to describe them.

“I think one underlying issue (that can lead to infidelity) is not feeling like you can talk about the issue with your partner,” Jason told us. “For example, if you’re feeling unappreciated or not connected, (or are) feeling like your partner is going to get mad, or it just doesn’t occur to you that you can talk to them about it, that can make people susceptible to reaching out to someone else.” 

How can anything change if you aren’t comfortable discussing your relationship worries with your partner, or they with you?

A couples therapist like Jason can help the two of you examine what may have paved the way for betrayal. Because poor communication, or not being able to put feelings into words, so often lies at the root of betrayal, couples need to rebuild healthy communication habits.

Couples counseling that has won awards can get your relationship back on course.

Jason suggests that anyone who betrayed a partner, in whatever way, ask themselves: “What led me to forget my ‘no’?” In other words, what about that specific moment made you say yes rather than no and betray your partner? Your answer can expose what really caused the betrayal.

Naturally, most of the emotional self-work falls to the guilty party. Still, the partner who did nothing wrong should also spend some time examining their own behavior. Even if you didn’t do anything morally wrong, you can learn from what happened and spot dating habits that might be harmful.

Once a harmful cycle comes to light, you can start breaking out of it, even if breaking free means the relationship ends permanently.

Break Up or Stay Together?

Defining betrayal in a relationship can be tricky. “Anything that shatters assumptions or agreements (in a relationship) can be a betrayal,” Jason said. The ultimate relationship betrayal is, of course, infidelity. But if you both agreed to be completely honest and that agreement gets broken, it can still feel like betrayal.

Betrayal is what happens when you break someone’s trust. Financial, emotional, or physical, it cuts to the core of any relationship and shows how solid the partnership really is.

And whether a relationship survives betrayal depends on how strong it is.

For some, a breakup may feel like a relief after betrayal. For others, it’s unthinkable, even in the middle of the pain. When couples weigh whether to stay together, Jason emphasized patience. “It takes time for (one’s) partner to really get their bearings and to think, ‘Do I even want this?’” he said.

Counseling at Colorado Relationship Recovery comes in different levels of intensity, and counselors can help you judge whether to end the relationship.

Betrayal can knock a relationship off course without making divorce or a breakup inevitable. We invest so much love, energy, and time in our relationships that, even with a broken heart, we may not want a breakup.

Other couples know right away what they want. “Sometimes in the beginning, you may need more information. But sometimes people say, ‘We made this clear.’ Or, ‘I don’t even want to do this anyway, so I’m out of here,’” Jason explained.

If your partner set an ultimatum and you went on to betray them anyway, they’re fully justified in leaving.

According to Jason, what ultimately decides it is whether the couple believes they can rebuild trust. Can you imagine trusting your partner again? How about six months or a year from now?

Of course, breaking up doesn’t always heal every wound. It can actually make them fester, particularly if you struggle to accept the betrayal you went through. Recovery can take a while, and you may feel as though you’ll never trust a partner again.

A Second Chance Begins With Rebuilding Trust

Jason assured us that trust can be rebuilt, though doing so demands effort and patience. With all the disappointment and anger surrounding betrayal, intense emotions are understandable. Still, the earlier the two of you can discuss it calmly, the better. “I think it’s good for couples to be able to process it together,” Jason said.

Unhappiness breeds betrayal. The betrayer and the victim each had reasons for what they did, even though those reasons never justify infidelity. If you were the betrayer, you may be tempted to get defensive. You did cheat for a reason, after all, even a bad one.

Flexibility and empathy are two of the qualities that can rescue a relationship.

Defensiveness can keep the two of you from resolving your issues. “No, you can’t look at my phone!” “Can’t you just get over it already?” “I would not have cheated if you hadn’t been so clingy…”

Jason also warned that being too effusively guilty (“I’m a horrible person, I’m a disgrace”) can come across as insincere.

For couples who hope to rebuild trust and stay together after a betrayal, there’s reason for hope. “If couples are doing individual therapy, that can be helpful,” Jason suggested. He also pointed to flexibility and empathy as traits that can help rescue a relationship shaken by infidelity or another kind of betrayal.

Above all, the guilty party needs insight into their own behavior. Being able to ask yourself “Why did I do this destructive, hurtful thing?” and arrive at honest answers is the key to preventing future betrayals.

Ending things with your partner won’t automatically help you heal. You’ll need to do emotional self-work to rebuild trust once your next relationship comes along.

Let a new partner know about betrayals you’ve experienced.

“The new partner needs to be aware (of your former experiences),” Jason said. If a new partner doesn’t know where your trust issues come from, they can’t understand them or help address them.

“If my wife was cheated on before she was in a relationship with me — the person left and went out one night and never communicated — I assume she would request (that I tell her when I’m coming home). So those may be things the hurt partner needs to be aware of and then be able to communicate,” Jason explained. 

“Any sort of betrayal can be traumatic because it shatters assumptions,” Jason said. The good news is that whatever shatters can be repaired, even if it looks a bit different afterward. To rebuild trust, the betrayer and the betrayed both have to listen to each other, express their feelings, and show empathy.