Getting Through a Lesbian Breakup: 7 Tips

You can be wise and emotionally well-regulated, with plenty of therapy behind you, and the end of a relationship will still rank among the toughest emotional experiences anyone has to process.

Breakups between lesbians can be excruciating in their own particular way. I’ve watched high-powered CEOs struggle through one. I’ve sat in my office with emotionally seasoned pros, people with 10+ years of therapy behind them, as they broke down crying over a lost relationship.

“I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore,” a woman once told me. Other clients have described not being able to eat or sleep, or getting fixated on what their ex was up to, or on whether they could be coaxed into another try.

The devastation and grief can seem impossible to get through, as if things will never improve. It won’t be easy to get through a lesbian breakup, but here are some tips of mine that can make it more bearable.

1. Allow Yourself Time

In the hardest stretches after a breakup, time crawls, and it’s hard to picture ever feeling better, or even just different, again.

Feeling this way is completely normal, and it will probably go on until one day it doesn’t.

Try to give yourself time as a gift. For a while, let yourself, and the people around you, expect less of you.

Let yourself do less and achieve less, and feel whatever it is you feel, whether sad, angry, or numb.

Try to trust that a morning will come when you wake up and notice you feel more or less okay again.

2. Use Social Media Mindfully

Social media can be a wonderful way to stay connected to the queer community and the people you love, but during a breakup, it can also turn into your worst nightmare.

Maybe you keep compulsively checking your ex’s social media, scrolling through their friends, or playing detective to figure out what they’re doing (are they seeing someone new?). If so, look for a way to step back.

Likewise, if you’re finding it hard to rein in your own posting, whether that’s venting about the breakup or looking for attention to escape the painful feelings, consider exploring other ways of regulating your emotions.

This might be a hot take, but social media isn’t the healthiest way to feel connected to other people.

3. Don’t Talk While You’re Angry

When a fresh breakup has us hurting, it’s tempting to do something to make ourselves feel better. We might feel wronged or victimized, or be horrified by what the breakup revealed about who our ex really is.

It’s easy, at times, to get swept up in telling your side of the story. Your heart is broken, and you want to be seen and heard, so you tell everyone you know (or maybe keep trying to tell your ex) how hurt or angry you are.

As you work through the breakup, pay attention to how your mood and level of activation rise and fall. Notice the moments when you feel dysregulated, suddenly furious, or overwhelmed by grief.

In those moments, take note of whatever you feel pulled to do or driven to act on, such as calling your ex to lash out or to beg.

Can you make backup plans for other things to do instead? Maybe calling a friend or journaling would be a good outlet. Could you plan to use DBT strategies such as meditation or emotional regulation to ride out intense emotions without making rash decisions?

4. Lean on Your Community

Once we’re in a serious relationship, many of us end up a bit more removed from our friends and acquaintances. Intentionally or not, we can easily get absorbed in the daily life of the partnership, and our romantic partner ends up getting the bulk of the time and social energy we have.

Breakups can be excruciating, but they can also be a chance to rebuild friendships and other ties we may have let slide.

It’s a moment to remember how it feels to live as part of a community instead of inside the intensity of a two-person dyad. Go to a game night or a group hangout. Catch a screening in a queer film series.

Remind yourself that other people are waiting for you out there, and that you belong to a world bigger than your breakup or your relationship.

5. Steer Clear of Needless Drama

After a breakup, just moving through the world can feel loaded: is your ex coming to the party? And what if one of their siblings or friends is at your coffee shop?

Finding your way through a social scene your ex might still belong to can be incredibly intimidating, and it’s true that this part can get tricky.

Instead of pulling away from other social connections, though, a better approach is to set clear boundaries with yourself, with your friends, and maybe even with your ex.

How would you like your friends to act toward your ex? Should they stop hanging out with her, or at least keep it to themselves? Would you rather skip events you know she’ll attend?

If a big event is on the horizon, like a mutual friend’s wedding or a popular queer event, a short, uncomfortable conversation with your ex may be worth it to learn whether you’re both planning to go or whether one of you would rather sit it out.

These talks can feel tedious and frustrating, but they can be worth it to spare yourself the chaos and drama of bumping into someone you’re not ready to see.

6. Date With Intention

Some people are tempted to jump into dating right after a breakup, because they want to feel sexy and desired again and to take their mind off the painful feelings.

Others can’t imagine ever dating again. There’s no correct way to come back to dating after a breakup, and no one timeline you have to follow.

What matters is staying in touch with what you really feel and want, instead of letting fear or the urge to escape your emotions call the shots.

Are you interested in connection, and able to handle it, even if it’s scary? Could you be present with someone in a romantic or sexual setting so that it’s about them, not your ex?

Have you spent enough time single, processing the breakup, to feel sure that you’d be dating because you truly want connection, and not because being alone feels unbearable? There’s no single correct answer about the how or the when of dating again, but these are the kinds of questions worth asking.

7. Think About Whether Friendship Is Possible

Some lesbian communities expect you to stay friends with your exes, or at least keep things cordial.

You may feel social pressure to stay on friendly terms so your friend group, or your wider social circle, holds together.

Staying friends with your ex might also feel important as a matter of principle, or because you can’t picture life without them in it.

Sometimes we want to stay friends with someone because the pain of truly separating from them feels unbearable, even if keeping them in our lives before we’re ready for a different kind of relationship ends up signing us up for far more distress.

Healing Takes Time

Take time to think through what you really want and what will best help you heal fully from this breakup. Pay attention to your needs, not only your wants.

Don’t hurry yourself into acting like you’re completely over it. A breakup stirs up plenty of hard feelings. You deserve time alone to work through them without worrying what others think.

Even if you’d like to keep some kind of platonic connection with your ex, think about giving yourself some time and space first, maybe even more than seems necessary, before you put yourself back out there.