A Men’s Relationship Coach on Beating Approach Anxiety by Setting Ego Aside

The Short Version: Relationship coach Tony Depp has lived through how hard it is to walk up to a beautiful woman in a packed bar. That “approach anxiety” has kept plenty of men from talking to their dream woman. Tony got past his own shyness in the end, and now he’s devoted to showing other men how to build their confidence, flirt without strain, and check their egos at the door. His coaching site, Absolute Ability, is made for every shy guy who knows he has a lot more to offer.

One woman is sipping a margarita. Another is out with friends. A third has her earbuds in.

Which one will welcome being approached?

There’s no way to predict it, because every woman responds to flirting and pickup lines in her own way. Some men find that liberating. With no fixed rule, what’s there to lose?

For other men, though, walking up to a woman in public sounds about as fun as getting a root canal.

What if you make her uncomfortable? What if she turns you down loudly? What if she just pretends you’re not there?

Tony Depp is committed to helping men get past social anxiety and low self-esteem.

Tony Depp, who coaches men on relationships, tackles these fears on Absolute Ability, his coaching site. He calls himself a “professional confidence coach.” When we asked him about the nerves men feel approaching women in public, he spoke openly about the anxieties he once had and how he got past them.

“After a lot of practice, I started getting a lot more confident and I actually started getting dates and people started asking me to show them what to do,” Tony told us. 

If the idea of walking up to a woman in a busy bar turns your stomach, you’ve got company. Tony was in the same spot once.

“Approach Anxiety” Is a Tricky Loop

Growing up with divorced parents and dealing with gynecomastia was “really hard on my self-esteem,” Tony said.

Tony eventually resolved to conquer, once and for all, the low self-esteem he felt around women.

“I moved to Montreal and I went out seven days and nights a week, just talking to strangers,” Tony said. “At first, it was terrifying.” He even had panic attacks when approaching women in public. There’s a name for this, “approach anxiety”, and it can leave you feeling frozen.

Trust Tony on this one: plenty of men feel the same way. “Every guy has the same two problems,” he told us. “One, they’re too afraid to approach women. They’re afraid of rejection and are too concerned about what people think of them.”

Tony Depp put in a lot of effort to get past his own personal hurdles.

The other problem, according to Tony, is not knowing what to say once you actually make your approach.

Not knowing what to say makes you scared to approach. Being scared to approach means that if you did walk over, you’d be lost for words. It’s a vicious circle. And Tony says getting out of it isn’t always as easy as knocking back some tequila, puffing out your chest, and saying hello (though that could be one way to handle it).

“I know that the problem lies much deeper than that for most guys,” Tony said. 

Approaching women in public always carries some risk. In recent years, more attention has gone to how uneasy some women feel when strange men approach them. That has made “approach anxiety” worse for sure, and it’s easy to see why.

Still, keep in mind why women may feel so guarded around men. A man who gets rejected might walk away with a bruised ego. A woman who rejects a man could face far worse than that.

None of that means you have to give up on approaching women when you’re out. You simply need to polish your approach, build your skills, and get better at reading when to make a move and when to hold back. This is the point where Tony’s coaching skills prove useful.

Confidence Starts With Knowing Yourself

Naturally, building confidence is the surest way to beat approach anxiety. Tony helps clients get there by walking them through meditation. He has a name for this meditative practice of getting to know yourself better while growing your confidence: “inner game work.”

“I’m probably one of the specialists of inner game in this industry,” he said. It matters to believe you already have what it takes to get past your shyness and unease around women. Inner game work helps you face your anxiety and dig up the confidence underneath.

Learning the basics of approaches, icebreakers, and etiquette matters every bit as much as inner game work does. With Tony walking you through all of that, and whatever comes next, building confidence can get a lot easier.

Doubting yourself will most likely make your approach fall flat.

“One of the first books I get (clients) to read is ‘Double Your Dating’ by David DeAngelo,” Tony told us. That book lays out the idea of “cocky funny”, which means just what it says: projecting confidence in a way that comes across as smooth, even clever, rather than obnoxious. It’s a hard balance to strike, particularly if conversation isn’t your strong suit.

According to Tony, men should lean on DeAngelo’s “cocky funny” lessons whenever they sense they’re sliding into the friend zone. In the end, “cocky funny” sits right next to “flirty,” which leaves no doubt that you want more than a friendship.

“If you don’t do a little push once in a while, all you get is a good rapport,” Tony said. A good rapport is fine, but it won’t always add up to romance.

Still, even Tony, a self-described “self-help junkie,” pointed out that books and study will only get you so far. If he asks how many women you spoke to this week and you say “none,” it might be time to put the books down and go out on the town, for one night at least.

Check Your Ego at the Door

“I remember being in a bar and I thought everyone was looking at me,” Tony said, recalling his first attempts at talking to women. “I was so self-conscious that everyone was like, ‘Who’s that guy here alone?’”

Rationally, we all understand the universe doesn’t revolve around us. That knowledge doesn’t make it less nerve-racking to step outside our comfort zones.

Tony said his clients are required to read “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle, since it shows how the ego frequently blocks us from real happiness.

Tony’s website shows men how to sharpen their romantic technique, raise their success rate, and understand the opposite sex better.

“The ego plays a huge part in relationships, not just with your spouse, but with yourself,” Tony explained. 

As they grow up, most people figure out how to square their egos with reality, but that gets much harder in vulnerable moments, like trying to strike up a conversation with a woman in a bar.

Since the “ego” can feel like a fuzzy idea, Tony spelled it out for us. He pictured a man who is eager to chat with a woman at a bar but talks himself out of it because she seems grumpy. “I go, ‘Are you a psychic?’” Tony said. His point: don’t decide a woman will reject you just from the look on her face.

She might be in a bad mood, or she might simply be deep in thought. “That girl could be super happy and just waiting to meet a guy like you. And you’ve created this entire egoic story.”

Tony shows his vulnerable side, and urges men to show theirs, in his book “A Thousand Tiny Failures.”

Learn to notice when you’re projecting your own ego onto another person. Is the thing you fear really happening? “Get out of your head, guys,” Tony advised.

In the end, none of what Tony or anybody else tells you counts unless you’re willing to put your skills to work in real life. “(Some men) think themselves out of taking action,” he said.

“Most guys, because it’s something so new, it’s like running through a dark tunnel,” Tony explained. “They don’t know what’s ahead of them. So they’re scared (that) they’re going to trip and hurt themselves.” 

That fear makes sense, but it turns into a real problem when it stands between you and happiness.

So Tony recommends that men brace themselves to fail. “Yeah, you’re going to trip and hurt yourself many, many times. That’s why (my book) is called ‘A Thousand Tiny Failures.’”

Tony writes in his book about how every rejection he faced made him stronger. “You learn to laugh about it and don’t take it so seriously.”

Setting your ego aside is freeing. Once you’ve made peace with a possible “no”, you can look forward to an eventual “yes.”