5 Signs You May Be Falling Out of Love

No relationship is free of drama. Sometimes you'll fight, argue, and disagree. When that happens, you might simply be in a rough patch caused by outside stressors that will sort themselves out before long. Other times, though, enough is enough.

So how do you know whether the relationship is truly over or just going through something you can work out? Only you can say for certain. Still, the signs below can point to whether you're falling out of love with the person you're with. If several of them hit home, maybe reading this article is your final signal to move on.

1. You Don't Go to Them First Anymore

Who's the first person you want to tell when something funny, sad, or interesting happens? Normally, it's your partner. Researchers behind the “Early Years of Marriage” study tracked 373 couples for 20+ years, and one idea they looked at was something known as “bids.”

A bid is anything you say to get your partner's attention, like “A funny thing happened to me at work today!” Your partner might answer negatively (“I’m busy.”), neutrally (“That’s nice.”) or positively (“Really?! What happened?”).

When your partner doesn't respond positively, you may begin turning to others to really listen and share in your news. If a funny story comes your way and the first person you think of isn't your partner, some of the emotional connection between you has slipped away. Let that happen often enough, and you'll learn to seek that feeling elsewhere as the love valve gradually shuts.

2. You've Stopped Being Proud of Them & Started Comparing

When love is new, your partner has you walking on air, and you want to show them off to everybody. “Hey guys, check out my girlfriend!  She rocks!” The two of you bring out each other's best, and something about her shines, whether it's her wit, her beauty, her style, or her career. With dopamine and every other love hormone flooding your system, you view everything through rose-colored glasses. And through those glasses, all red flags just look like flags.

Comparing your partner with other people is a sign your love is fading.

Perhaps they were putting on a front, or perhaps you're simply seeing more clearly than you did early on. Bit by bit, you notice you've stopped mentioning your partner to other people. You're no longer eagerly working her into every conversation.

Other guys talk about their girlfriends, how she cooked dinner or how they tried ax throwing together, and your only thought is “My GF wouldn’t do that. Why won’t she do something fun like that with me?  All my other friends’ girlfriends do cool stuff with them.  I wonder what it would be like to date someone like them?”

When you imagine future plans, you're no longer picturing your current girlfriend. You're picturing all that fun with some vague, undefined other woman.

3. You're Staying Only for Their Sake

Plenty of relationships begin in less-than-ideal circumstances. Often, just one partner has a job. Most of us deal with mental or environmental challenges that pile onto the usual relationship problems. A familiar relationship trope is the Florence Nightingale effect, in which one partner wants to look after someone and mistakes that for love. These obstacles can be overcome, especially if you tackle them together. When I met the woman who's now my wife, I was more or less unemployed, but (luckily) she looked past my circumstances and saw something in me.

Often, though, things don't go that way. You worry that a breakup would leave them with nowhere to turn. They haven't worked in years, and if you cut off your support, they'll end up broke and destitute. Worst of all is a partner who tries to control you with a threat such as “If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself.”

In any of these situations, you may feel trapped, because whatever you choose, you'll come off as the bad guy. But the love is gone. Staying together only delays the inevitable. It's NOT your job to ensure someone else gets their life in order. That's up to each of us. Go live your own life.

4. Why You're With Them Has Changed

Everyone moves through various phases in life, and ideally we learn and grow along the way. Figuring out your identity and your desires over time is completely natural, though the road can be long and hard. Your goals will definitely change. I remember what a good night meant to me at 25: hitting the town in NYC and not getting to bed until morning, doing all kinds of things with all kinds of people. Doing that, I met others who thought the way I did.

Now my ideal evening means opening a bottle of wine and trying out a new video game once the kids are asleep. Priorities change; that's the point.

Things that once felt fun and thrilling begin to feel stale and repetitive.

The longer you've been together, the more you want one-on-one time. She, though, still wants to stick to the same routine you two had two, five, or 10 years back. Maybe what you want is an equal partner who's excited to plan a future and build a life with you. Her priorities used to line up with yours, but now they point somewhere else. What once kept you together may now be what pulls you apart.

5. You're Indifferent & Start Steering Clear

Back when you had to work late, you'd send a text: “Gotta stay late, be home later, love u!” You cared, and you wanted them to have a heads-up and know you were okay. On the drive home, you'd usually pick up something for them to eat, too.

Now, though, they barely cross your mind when you make decisions. “I” and “me” are back in your vocabulary, instead of “we.” “What do I want to eat tonight?” It's not that you think badly of them. You just…don't think of them at all. They're no longer front and center in your mind.

At this point you may begin dodging them, since the joy has gone out of it. You stay later at work, start hitting the gym again, and somehow keep picking the longest route home. You used to want to be with them and couldn't wait to get back. Now you grab any excuse to delay going home, replying to texts, or seeing them. Once things stagnate and positive emotions stop flowing in, the love light can really fade.

Love Is Something We Choose

I remember a video clip of a couple who'd been married 60-odd years or so. Someone asked for their “secret to a long marriage.” What did they say? “We never fell out of love with each other at the same time.”

I love that answer because it shows love can fade in a relationship, yet grow and return when one partner truly wants to work at it. Wanting to be close gives you enough to build on. All it takes is a little time and know-how!