5 Ways to Bring the Spark Back

Falling in love is wonderful! Thinking about that special someone gives you butterflies, you write mushy poetry, and you gush to your friends about them. Meanwhile, your body is pumping out cortisol (the stress hormone), serotonin, and dopamine, and your pulse is racing!

Sooner or later, usually around the one-year mark, those infatuation hormones begin to fade, and love’s fireworks settle into a steadier, slower burn. You could say young love grows into mature love. If you want a lifelong companion, this is the place you’re hoping to reach.

Still, at this stage or further down the road, your relationship may start to feel a bit like it’s running on autopilot. You keep doing the same things and having the same conversations, and it can feel like you’re stuck in a rut.

Life is long, too. Between kids, work, school, and other responsibilities, you may drift apart. If you need to reignite the spark in your relationship, keep reading, since you should keep dating your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife even after you “catch” her!

1. Turn Toward One Another

In his book “The Relationship Cure,“ John Gottman,  Co-Founder of the Gottman Institute, writes, “Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other.”

John Gottman is an expert on relationships.

Whenever we talk to each other, we’re constantly making what the Gottman Institute calls “bids.”

For example: “Oh hey, look at that bird!” There are three ways a person can respond: negatively (“I don’t have time to look at birds”), neutrally (“Um, that’s nice”), or positively (“Cool!  What color is it?”).

Through his couples therapy work, John Gottman discovered he could predict how long a couple would last by observing how they responded to one another. Successful couples, whether new or long-established, turned toward each other’s bids.

Make time to really listen to what someone is saying, and make a conscious effort to turn toward their bid.

2. Look Back Together

Lean into nostalgia! Once upon a time, you two were completely smitten with each other. Go back to the places you used to hang out, which will be full of memories and feelings.

Looking back at photos is like opening a time capsule of feelings, and it’s fun.

When everything starts to feel dull, a shake-up may be in order. Think back to when you first began dating: what did you two do? Catch movies? Stroll along the boardwalk? Revisit a few of those old favorites.

Your old photos offer another trip down memory lane. Tracking down particular old pictures should be pretty easy. Grab your significant other, get comfortable, and flip through some favorites.

Laugh at what you were wearing, retell the stories behind those nights, and try to name everyone in the group shot. The point isn’t really to recreate the honeymoon phase; it’s to reconnect with whatever made you fall in love to begin with.

3. Try New Things Together

After a long time with someone, life’s predictability brings a certain comfort. You know which takeout spots you’ll order from, which friends you’ll see, which shows or movies you’ll put on, and what an ordinary day looks like.

Planning one-of-a-kind date nights lets couples make new, exciting memories.

But comfort can breed complacency and stagnation. When emotional intimacy runs dry, most committed relationships go out with a whimper.

Sure, it’s nice knowing that Friday is McDonald’s-and-a-movie night, but new memories require new experiences.

So mix it up a bit! Doing something new makes your brain release a flood of new chemicals while your synapses wire fresh pathways. Those hormones create emotions, and those emotions create memories!

Ever struggle to recall what you did last week? That’s often because not enough changed to form new memories.

4. Make Room for Small Gestures & Date Nights

When a woman lights up over flowers, it’s not the flowers themselves that matter. What matters is that you had her on your mind, wanted to treat her to something sweet, made an effort to make her happy, and spent some of your resources ($$) doing it. That feeling never gets old.

The longer a relationship goes on, the less often these small gestures tend to happen. Still, the habit is worth reviving.

Small things, like bringing home coffee or flowers, can make a difference.

Think about what your significant other likes and is into. You could ask whether they’d like a particular gift or treat. That works, but it’s less romantic than a surprise.

My recommendation: plan a date night entirely by yourself, built around doing something memorable together. Plan it together with her, or surprise her with it.

One fun idea: take turns planning date activities. On hers, she can pick whatever she likes, maybe a massage, that new tapas place, or a tear-jerker movie together.

Then on your turn, you could go axe-throwing, check out a barcade restaurant, or hit the putt-putt course and go-kart track. The key is handling all the planning yourself. Mostly, we’re all happy doing whatever as long as we’re doing it together. So go have some fun!

5. Make a Bucket List

It’s easy to promise a partner that we’ll do all sorts of things “someday.” I get that life sometimes gets in the way. You may not have even thought much about what you’d like to do with your partner in your free time.

Start a to-do list that isn’t about groceries or errands. Then ask your partner what they’d love to accomplish.

It could even end up like the “Pina Colada Song.”

“I never knew/ That you like piña coladas/ And gettin’ caught in the rain./ And the feel of the ocean,/ And the taste of champagne.”

Put real effort into crossing items off your bucket list. A few of those dreams might be simple, like seeing a movie at a drive-in. Others could take work: maybe you want to run a marathon, learn a new language, or land a fish that weighs more than 50 lbs.

Talking about personal goals and working out how to reach them is part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Having a concrete list of what you’re looking forward to in life helps!

Fall in Love Again by Being Present With Your Partner

Couples can do many, many other things to rekindle the spark. Give more compliments. Set up double dates. Take romantic getaways. Volunteer for an organization that matters to you.

If the strain is serious, consider talking to a professional couples therapist who can help get the relationship back on track. “Smile when you see each other. Just get into the habit of smiling at first sight,” Alltexanalllday wrote in a Reddit post. “Pick up something unexpected like a candy bar, flowers, magazine, and just say ‘Thought you’d like this.’  Do these things every day and the spark will come back.”