Secure Dating Starts With Honoring Your Sensitivity

The Short Version: Insecurities can seriously threaten your dating life, though that doesn’t have to be the case. Ken Page, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, hosts the podcast “Deeper Dating” and spoke with us about what insecurity is, where it comes from, and how singles can actually use it to their advantage while dating. When singles dig into their sensitivities and learn what makes them insecure, it becomes possible to embrace their own authenticity and attract partners who respect it, too. Ken also told us about his Deeper Dating® podcast and process, showing how singles can find true love just by being themselves.

If anyone has ever said to you, “You’re too sensitive,” try not to take it personally. In truth, everyone has sensitivities, and nearly all of us have needed to cope with them somehow, particularly in romantic relationships. People who keep hearing that they’re too sensitive may simply be the ones most attuned to what they need emotionally.

When we recognize that everyone has sensitivities of their own, we can bring that knowledge with us as we build relationships. Knowing and understanding where you might be sensitive or insecure matters just as much as knowing the parts of you that feel confident and secure.

Ken Page LCSW hosts the Deeper Dating® podcast and is an expert in dating, intimacy, and relationships. A renowned psychotherapist, Ken is a leading voice for people looking for authentic love. He talked with us about dating and attachment, what insecurity is, where it comes from, and how people can grow into secure individuals and, eventually, secure partners.

Ken explained why some dating advice is better than the rest and helped us understand Deeper Dating, his model for building intimate connections. Its process has four steps that lead singles on a journey toward genuine, connected dating.

“So much dating advice actually breeds insecurity,” Ken said. “I like to call it self loathing in a sexy self-improvement outfit. So much advice tells you to change. But the truth is, we all have insecurities and some kind of fear of intimacy, and the goal isn’t to get rid of it. The goal is to just be us. So much of dating is discovering who you are.”

Dating Advice That Honors Authenticity

According to Ken, much of today’s dating advice centers on what people should change about themselves, and it frequently homes in on insecurities. “It does something that looks benevolent, but it’s actually destructive. It tells you what you’re doing wrong and what you need to do to keep a partner. It tells you how to make yourself more attractive or better, but all of this is actually what’s wrong.”

A real partnership with someone you truly love will never demand that you change the core of who you are. When singles absorb advice telling them to change themselves, they too often internalize it and end up showing up less than authentically when they date. And nothing is worse than that.

“I’ve come to discover in my 35 years as a psychotherapist that the things we’re insecure about usually end up being our best qualities,” Ken said. “The very things we think we need to hide to find love are the exact things we must attend to to find love.”

Ken spoke with us about dating from a secure, self-realized place.

Our sensitivities, Ken said, are our core gifts. Our insecurities and sensitivities tend to show what our hearts and emotional selves care about most, pointing to the precise areas where we hope our romantic partners will nurture and care for us. Connecting with your insecurities means connecting with your authentic self — and without intimate self-knowledge, you won’t find real joy in dating.

“The way to find healthy love is to celebrate who you are,” Ken said. “You need to lead with your authentic self.” Still, it isn’t easy to find and know your authentic self. Ken said he often has clients consider what they’re scared to reveal on a date, as well as what they want in a true partner.

“Our need for love, our longing for love, is one of the greatest gifts we have,” Ken said. “We get very embarrassed about our sense of need. But our longing for love isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. When people learn to honor their sensitivity, to appreciate their personal sense of power, and respect their need for love, they date in a completely different way.”

Ken on Attachment and Handling Insecurity

When people are out of touch with their authentic selves, insecurity can quickly mar their dating experiences. Ken said many people have no idea how to deal with insecurity when it shows up, and they often rush to hide it or make it disappear as fast as they can.

“We can’t just stop being insecure,” Ken said. “We need to discover that our insecurities are covering up gifts that haven’t been appreciated or that we haven’t learned to appreciate. When we don’t know how to appreciate our core gifts, we feel insecure, and we end up being romantically and sexually attracted to people who aren’t good for us.”

One insecurity Ken often sees in clients is the belief that they aren’t attractive enough. Our culture, social media included, sends almost nonstop messaging about how our bodies look and, all too often, how they should look different from how they do. Ken said a great deal of insecurity comes from this messaging, but the core lesson for facing insecurity doesn’t change.

Ken encouraged people to keep their hearts open to love’s possibilities.

“We can’t look at ourselves through a lens of what is wrong with us,” Ken said. “If we do, we’ll be trapped in our insecurities forever. Your dating goal should be to be who you are– the rest will follow.”

Failing to embrace who you are leads to shaky attachments. If you don’t know who you are, how can a partner be expected to see and understand you deeply? “When we learn to embrace ourselves, something amazing happens, and we’re attracted to people who are good for us,” Ken said.

If dating feels like a struggle, Ken says the answer isn’t to conceal your true self or your relationship needs. Insecure attachments grow out of insecure inner lives that haven’t explored themselves intimately. The remedy for insecure dating gives people a chance to know themselves and love themselves first, then find someone who values their inner self the way it deserves.

“This is what we don’t get taught,” Ken said. “When you know and accept your authentic self, insecurities and all, you lose a fear of rejection, and your picker improves. You’re looking for people who appreciate you rather than what you think you should be looking for.”

Accepting Yourself Opens the Door to True Love

For daters, practicing self-acceptance isn’t merely a nice idea; it’s essential. Whenever a single person dates and builds relationships to serve their insecurities, they’ll look for and draw in unhealthy, unstable attachments. That can fast turn into a painful, self-fulfilling cycle.

“There’s this really powerful dynamic we see where any area that you’re not accepting who you are is a path to pain,” Ken said. “If you’re constantly telling yourself that you’re not enough or you need to change, the odds are you will attract people and be attracted to people who think the same things. And that’s not a healthy relationship.”

Breaking bad dating habits and learning healthy ones can be hard. Ken’s Deeper Dating process helps singles who are stuck in their insecurities get to know their true selves and find the joy of living and dating authentically.

Singles and couples can discover the joys of authentic connection through Deeper Dating.

“We’re all familiar with that really passionate and intense love circuitry we feel in the initial stages, but too often, that leads to pain,” Ken said. “Part of it is learning about another kind of circuitry, the processes that happen when we feel attracted to someone because they inspire us, because of their integrity or generosity or consistency.”

Through Ken’s Deeper Dating® course, singles learn about this often-overlooked form of attraction and connection, and they get the tools to explore and embrace their true selves. He shows clients how to spot the attachments that lead to love, then pursue them with healthy relationship habits. For a taste of the process, grab the free gift Ken offers through Deeper Dating. If you’d like to get “deeper” into Deeper Dating, you can sign up for Ken’s intensive six-month coaching program.

Singles will find the Deeper Dating podcast an invaluable resource, and diving into any of its hundreds of episodes is a way to start making positive changes today. Ken often brings guests on the show and covers almost every topic related to romance and relationships.

Dating can be a tough road, but it gets much easier once you realize that all it takes is showing up — authentically. Whatever love and connection is meant for you will follow.

“Don’t be too rigid and open yourself up to possibilities,” Ken said. “Love surprises us. Love tweaks us. The person we end up with is rarely who we always expected or imagined. It takes time, and many surprises, but we find ourselves in love.”