Honest Talk Is the Key to Fixing Problems in the Bedroom

The Short Version: Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a sex counselor who holds a doctorate in human sexuality, has spent 15 years helping clients work through sexual problems. At Eros Coaching, nothing surprises her, whether it's “shameful” physical intimacy hang-ups or buried emotional roadblocks. She gives clients frank, no-frills explanations of what they need, and she shows them how to tell their partner about those needs with confidence, calm, and strength.

Dr. Martha Tara Lee loves talking about sex. Who could blame her? It's something people everywhere care about. Dr. Martha, though, went a step further and turned that passion into genuine expertise in all things sexual.

“I got into it because I saw a gap in Singapore where people were talking about sex in a very statistical way,” Dr. Martha told us. “And then magazines would do the opposite and talk about sex in very contrived ways, like tips, tricks, techniques, clickbait.” 

Either way, “pleasure” and “satisfaction” are words that barely mean anything anymore.

Dr. Martha Tara Lee skips the sugarcoating, because straight talk is what her clients need.

Dr. Martha set out to give sex its meaning back and to drag it into the light. “What about the other side of sexuality, the part that is real and precious and sacred?”

Dr. Martha has spent 15 years helping people get past their sexual roadblocks. Along the way, she earned degrees in communications, counseling, and public policy and management, plus a doctorate in human sexuality. Her enthusiasm for teaching clients to tell their partners what they need, respectfully but directly, hasn't faded a bit.

Her frank style, practical guidance, and deep compassion give Dr. Martha a voice all her own among sex counselors.

Many Sexual Roadblocks Have Emotional Roots

Plenty of people come to sex counseling over a sexual problem and then discover that the real cause might be far more emotional.

According to Dr. Martha, “Premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, (and) erectile difficulties,” may well be “due to anxiety or lack of sexual skills that are not of a physical nature.”

That said, not every bodily issue stems from emotions, so before you blame stress, make sure there's no physical cause behind your symptoms. If something feels off with your body, get checked by a doctor. And if nothing physical turns up, counseling may be the answer.

Sexual problems in women can be harder still to identify, and not only because those problems tend to be, in a manner of speaking, internal.

“For vulva owners, vaginismus is a form of inhibited sexuality,” Dr. Martha explained. Inhibited sexuality, she said, is “the psychological or emotional barrier that prevents individuals from experiencing or expressing sexual pleasure.”

Dr. Martha is clear that trouble in the bedroom can be linked to feelings.

Lots of people won't discuss the most common bedroom roadblocks, such as struggling to climax or having little interest in sex. Clients also come to Dr. Martha to work through their fetishes, the shame they put on their own kinks, and their interest in trying polyamory. “I work with all people with all kinds of sexualities and relationship challenges,” she said.

As for how clients find their way to her, Dr. Martha said, “Usually the entry is sex issues because I’ve made a name for myself in this topic,” adding: “Then, as I work with (my clients), I find out that there are other things going on with the relationship dynamics. So then, (the counseling gets) more in depth.”

If any of these familiar hurdles ring a bell, you've got company. Dr. Martha stresses that bedroom problems are nothing to be embarrassed about, since sex counselors “have pretty much heard everything.”

Clients value Dr. Martha's frankness because it leaves no room for shame. Some sexual issues, like premature ejaculation, don't call for an emotional fix at all. “These are things that can actually be learned and taught,” she said. “My clients find it very useful that I treat things in a very pragmatic, straightforward way.”

Some people find it simpler to confide in a counselor than in the person they sleep with. When that's the case, Dr. Martha stressed, the answer is always more communication, not less.

Build Communication With Regular Relationship Meetings

Dr. Martha is based in Singapore, and that's where she first spotted a troubling pattern: people steering clear of real communication with each other.

“We have this culture of people-pleasing,” she said. “We consider other people’s feelings, respect our elders, (and value) social harmony.” Yet all those good qualities can produce one fairly large downside: people can't express what they need in a way that works.

“When (my clients) do speak up, they swing between being passive aggressive or (just) aggressive.” Masking how you really feel behind thinly veiled gripes doesn't fix a thing. What matters, according to Dr. Martha, is being assertive rather than passive-aggressive.

Confidence and composure mark assertiveness. Passive aggression is childish and evasive.

Through Eros Coaching, Dr. Martha helps people sharpen how they communicate, both in bed and in their romantic relationships.

“Part of navigating adulthood is learning how to speak up and to learn ways to be assertive,” Dr. Martha said. Getting her help is an excellent way to start becoming more assertive.

What gives Dr. Martha her edge is a no-nonsense manner that pairs naturally with the assertive communication she teaches.

“I’ve been a counselor for 15 years, and people consider me to be quite direct,” she told us. “I think if I didn’t have some balls, so to speak, I don’t think I’d be able to do what I’m doing.” 

Talking plainly works better than dancing around the subject.

Since sex takes place behind closed doors, many people assume conversations about sex belong there too. Dr. Martha says that's simply wrong. “The same skills that you apply at your workspace can be applied in your relationship,” she said. “You don’t shout at your colleagues. Why do you shout at your beloved?”

She recommends that couples talk through sexual issues the way they'd handle a meeting at work. “When you have a meeting, you have an agenda. You try to tackle the issues one at a time.”

Set up a weekly meeting with your partner to go over any worries or insecurities either of you has about your sex life. That way, you can take on these awkward subjects calmly, aiming to fix the problem instead of yelling your way through it.

“Address it pragmatically, practically, non-emotionally,” Dr. Martha suggested. “Behaviors that are not helpful, like blaming and shaming and guilting and name-calling, we don’t do this at work. Why do we do this with our relationships?” 

Yes, Sex Counselors Really Have Heard Everything

Dr. Martha's straightforward approach can help couples tackle their problems faster and gain more insight into their habits and needs. Sometimes all you need is someone who'll give it to you straight.

Dr. Martha said one of the most common myths about sex counseling is that she touches clients physically to help them get to the root of their sexual problems. In fact, talking works far better.

“We’re trained. We know what we’re talking about,” she said simply. “We’ve seen many clients of similar backgrounds with the same issues.” 

Dr. Martha and her fellow counselors at Eros Coaching are pros. You can't ask them a sexual health question that's too “weird”, since they've most likely heard it already.

On top of that, each couple has to understand why their problems are happening and how those issues affect them in particular. “We are communicating with someone, so we need to talk to them in ways that they can understand,” Dr. Martha said. That's the reason she keeps her communication simple. “It’s basically like getting personalized, individualized, customized support to help you get to where you want as quickly as possible.”

Another myth she runs into, Dr. Martha said, is the idea that “Because I’m a woman, I don’t understand what men feel.” Her 15 years in the field have all but debunked that notion.

“Sometimes I can know what they want to say before they say it, because I can just sense it,” she said. “And also because many clients with a similar issue have said the same thing.” 

The biggest myth she deals with may be the one we've already mentioned: that clients can't trust her with their so-called “shameful” sex problems. “The reality is, we work with clients all the time, and it really is a privilege and an honor,” she said. “A lot of the time, what they share is actually pretty common.”

In the end, don't let shame, fear, or insecurity stand between you and a fulfilling sex life. “I have had clients who said they know without a shadow of a doubt that I have saved them years of suffering,” Dr. Martha said.

Her frank way of communicating deserves the credit. In Dr. Martha's words: “There is really no pride in suffering.”