Drop the Act and Date as Yourself

The Short Version: Dating looks different now, and Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick, both dating experts, think that’s a good thing. The pair, who date actively themselves and host the podcast Dateable, told us how intentional dating came about and how it’s reshaping today’s dating scene, particularly for millennial women.

Plenty of online dating advice spells out exactly how you should show up: what clothes to put on, how to do your makeup, what to talk about. Other advice gives you lists of things never to do on a first date, and when you come across a list of things you absolutely must do on a first date, you’ll probably notice some overlap.

The dating and romance world is awash in advice, and singles can have a hard time working out which resources deserve their time and energy. No hard and fast rule tells you whether advice is useful, and the answer varies from person to person, but some types of advice are never helpful.

Good dating advice will never ask you to be anything less than authentic when you show up.

Dating experts Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick host Dateable, a podcast for singles who want to take an approach to dating and relationships that’s truly their own.

Yue and Julie told us what healthy dating involves and how daters can build an approach grounded in authenticity, connection, and, above all, having a good time.

“We’re experiencing a wave in the dating scene where people are really questioning what they want out of dating,” Yue said. “They’re asking themselves about their ultimate goals. It’s all about intentional dating now: It’s about getting clear about what you want and going after it.”

Intentional Dating Guards Against Burnout & Disappointment

Yue and Julie have watched the dating scene, and been part of it, since the days before online dating became the default. According to Yue, online dating transformed the scene, and now it’s shifting once again.

“The first wave of change happened when online dating came on the scene,” Yue explained. “People were distracted by all the choices and options out there and weren’t sure what they were looking for.” So they had no idea where to search.

When online dating first went mainstream, the name of the game was “trying it out.” As Julie put it, “Everybody was just seeing what was out there. Now, we’re about a decade in, and people are asking themselves what they really want.”

Dateable podcast hosts Julie and Yue.

Along with this shift came the term “intentional dating”, which refers to an approach to dating built on knowing yourself and being clear about what your ideal relationship looks like. According to Julie, the shift shows up most among single women.

“Knowing what you want and pursuing it has become the move now, especially for women,” Julie said.

“This can be really difficult. Speaking for myself, as an elder millennial, I had to unlearn a lot of dating advice to ‘lean back’ and let the man take the lead. As women, we’ve gotten a lot of messaging about letting ourselves be chosen.”

Intentional dating puts a single person’s hopes, desires, and expectations out in the open. It lets daters be selective and avoid wasting time chasing connections that won’t take them where they want to go.

“People are really thriving in today’s world where they’re taking control of their love lives,” Julie said. “They’re not just sitting around and waiting.”

How Women Can Get the Most From Modern Dating

Intentional dating carries a message: Your romantic future is yours to create. You choose the type of relationship you’d like and the type of partner you’re after. Beyond that, you can be the one who goes out and finds them.

Intentional dating keeps singles from slipping into unhealthy dating habits. “Cool girl syndrome,” Yue said, pointing to one example. “We’re all guilty of it at some time. We play it cool, say it’s all good, don’t ask for anything, and then realize we’re compromising ourselves, suppressing ourselves, or not getting what we need.”

Cool girl syndrome grows out of not wanting to disrupt how a relationship is progressing, or not wanting to come across as “too needy.” Acting cool might land you a date with someone you like, but it won’t ever lead to a secure, fulfilling relationship.

Authenticity and self-knowledge come first for intentional daters.

“It’s good to ask questions in the beginning about how you’re behaving and what you need,” Yue said. “Ask yourself if your best friend would choose this person for you. Your friends want only the best for you, and sometimes we don’t choose the very best for ourselves.”

They bring well-considered resolve, their desires, and their past experiences to the table. Still, step one is to put yourself out there. “There has been so much emphasis on who makes the first move, and dating is always imagined as this game of chess,” Julie said.

Intentional dating is meant to cut down on the game-playing that so often comes with dating. “At the end of the day,” Julie went on, “you’re trying to find someone that’s your life partner, your best friend. If you can get out of the mindset of playing the game and being strategic, connection is easier.”

Dateable Makes Getting Out There Simpler

Intentional dating strategies work for daters both online and off. “One big difference we’re seeing is that people use apps to their advantage,” Julie said. “Women are deciding who they want to talk to. They’re not just waiting.”

Intentional dating’s ideas and techniques challenge a lot of the outdated parts of the dating scene for straight women. Many American women are brought up hearing about traditional gender roles and the ways they spill over into romance.

“There’s a lot of internalized misogyny in the way dating works, and maybe it’s designed that way to some degree, to position women in this place of waiting to be chosen,” Julie said.

Yue said. “For so long, we were like, I’m with him because he chose me, and therefore I’m of high value. Who gave us that messed up message? It’s so wrong.”

According to Julie and Yue, more single women are realizing they don’t have to date this way, and they’re looking into how sexism, heteronormativity, and gender roles shape their dating experiences.

Examining why dating usually works the way it does can be hard, particularly when it ends in a complete overhaul of how you date.

On Julie and Yue’s podcast, Dateable, the two hosts, guest experts, and other visitors share real-life stories exploring where modern dating stands. The show is made for any single person who connects with its content, though it’s aimed at women in particular.

Feeling burned out on online dating? Dateable’s Meeting People IRL Masterclass covers what you need to know to meet people in person. In the master class, Julie and Yue draw on their personal and professional experiences and give singles techniques they can apply out in the real world.

“There’s this big fear of wasting time in dating like there’s this ticking clock,” Julie said. “But sometimes, slowing down to speed up is what’s actually going to help you in the long run. There’s no rush.”