8 Top Lesbian Dating Tips From Reddit

Being a lesbian who dates comes with plenty of hurdles. Meeting great women in everyday life is tough: most cities don’t really have lesbian bars, and unless your gaydar is spot-on, approaching a woman without knowing how she identifies can be nerve-racking.

On Reddit, an open forum, people swap their experiences and advice.

We all have somewhere to go when we need a hand, whether that’s a friend we trust, a sibling, or the internet. Online communities exist to bring us together in ways that matter, which can be a powerful thing.

Wherever you are on your journey, you’re not alone. Loads of lesbian singles are figuring out the dating world right along with you.

Plenty of them are happy to pass along what they’ve learned on Reddit.

I combed good ol’ Reddit for helpful advice, opinions, and insights to back you up on your dating journey.

1. Give It Time

Patience was among the hardest lessons I had to learn growing up. You might guess sharing would be harder, but in a house with four siblings, sharing isn’t optional, and it’s your patience that wears thin day after day.

Dating works the same way: to end up with what you really want, you have to learn to stay patient through the highs and lows.

“Don’t date people just because they are the only other lesbian around. You will find someone who’s a great match, but it may take a while.” — anonymous Reddit user.

It isn’t always enjoyable, but lesbian singles have to live by an old saying: “patience is key.” Lesbians often feel they don’t have many dating options, so they settle for whatever lesbian crosses their path.

Think of dating as a marathon rather than a sprint. Good things will be waiting for you at the finish line, but burn out along the way and you’ll never reach it.

“There is no need to rush into a relationship or move in with someone who is still a stranger, what’s real could never be threatened by going slow and getting to actually know each other,” said Reddit user dissapointmentparty. 

2. You Can Be Happy Without a Partner

A partner is a bonus in your life and should never be seen as the thing that determines whether you’re happy. People often lean so hard on others for their happiness that they never feel truly fulfilled, and they end up wrecking their relationships with unrealistic expectations and pressure.

One Reddit user urged fellow lesbians to get the most out of their single years by finding out what brings them joy. Doing that builds a solid foundation of happiness, which in turn draws in quality partners.

“If they can’t keep up, you’re better off alone.” — miss_clarity on Reddit

“Take yourself out on dates or to special events like a concert, even when you’re in a relationship,” said a Reddit user. “You’ll hold partners to a higher standard too. Because you’ll know how good to yourself you are. Prospective partners will be competing with how well your single self loves you. If they can’t keep up, you’re better off alone.”

3. Never Settle

Lots of people settle for relationships they don’t really want to be in, just to have someone on their side. One anonymous Redditor said she wasted a lot of her dating life on women she had little in common with apart from being lesbians. In the end, settling led to a breakup.

“They were gay and I was gay and there were no other lesbians around so we ‘made it work.’ We didn’t have anything else in common besides the bond we developed from having sex, and we didn’t figure that out until after the initial sex high started to wear off and we were left facing each other and realized… ‘I actually don’t like you that much!’” shared one Reddit user. 

“Don’t date people JUST because they are the only other lesbian around. You will find someone who’s a great match, but it may take a while.” — papadanku42 on Reddit

Don’t ever settle for less than what you really want; it isn’t worth it! I realize that’s easier said than done in the middle of a dating dry spell.

Admittedly, sometimes the pull of sex beats the moral high ground. Those vulnerable moments are exactly when you need to keep the end goal in mind.

“Don’t settle. Having a smaller dating pool and/or the fear of dying alone can make anyone feel like as long as their partner is “good enough” they’re worth sticking with,” Reddit user sapphic-sunshine warned.

4. Don’t Make Assumptions

Lesbian singles have a whole vocabulary of labels to describe their type. But as everyone knows, assumptions can do real damage to relationships. Making them comes naturally, particularly in the swiping game, but it won’t help if you’re dating for keeps.

“Don’t assume someone is a top/bottom/dom/sub/etc. just based on their visible expression or looks,” said Reddit user PetitePiltieinPlaid. “And don’t forget that ample cuddles and mushy domesticity are basically part of the sapphic emotional food pyramid.” 

“Don’t assume your dom doesn’t want cuddles and down-time. Mine is a hugbug.” — rainpatter on Reddit

If you try to have your date all figured out before you even meet, you’ll miss plenty of nuance. Enjoy the process, and take your time exploring and experiencing who they really are. As you get to know them, ask questions that give you a clearer picture of who they are, so there’s no need to assume anything.

5. Have Grown-Up, Honest Conversations

Relationships often fail because communication breaks down. That’s why it matters to practice good communication with your dates, even in the dating stage.

Build a relationship on a solid base of communication, and there’s nowhere to go but up.

“Don’t let yourself fall victim to the ‘useless lesbian’ stereotype!” warns one Reddit user. “I almost didn’t end up with my gf because I was just too chicken to talk to her about all our super obvious flirting.”

Some healthy conversation starters:

• “I am feeling concerned about ____.”
• “I want to check in to see how you’re feeling.”
• “Can you tell me more about your perspective here?”

Communication shouldn’t end once you’re a couple, either. Keep having real, honest talks about sensitive but important subjects (political views, sex, past relationships, etc.).

People sometimes put off serious talks with prospective partners. They avoid discussing how many kids they want for fear of losing the connection. But real conversations will only strengthen your relationship, or reveal an underlying incompatibility. If kids are in your plans and not in hers, it’s better to find out early.

6. Try Not to Fall for a Straight Girl

“Leave straight girls alone. You’re the only one that will walk away hurt,” one Reddit user wrote. Harsh as it sounds, it’s some of the most common advice lesbians give each other.

Let’s be clear, though: crushing on a straight girl isn’t a crime. It’s actually more common than you might think. Still, you’re better off putting your energy into women who are lesbian or bisexual and can actually return your interest. Lots of Redditors described crushing on a straight girl, and none of those stories had a truly happy ending.

“If she wanted to, she would.” — anotherbutterflyacc on Reddit

Redditor Ok-Locksmith-594 told lesbian singles who get attached easily to steer clear of crushes on straight girls. “What can start as some fun can end with your heart being broken if you aren’t careful,” Ok-Locksmith-594 wrote. A small crush does no harm, until it turns into an obsession.

You should try not to crush on a straight girl, but don’t beat yourself up if it happens anyway. You might spend less time with her, or shift your focus so your mind is on other things. Some Redditors have even said they’ve learned to be happy just being friends with a straight girl.

“You can’t control who you’re attracted to,” said Ok-Locksmith-594. “Of all people, we should know this. For those of us who are queer and not strictly lesbian you sometimes just fall for whoever has attractive qualities, whether straight or not.”

7. Online Dating Is the Top Way to Meet Lesbians

Thanks to modern technology, all kinds of communities now have online spaces for dating and meeting like-minded people. So it’s no surprise that online dating ranks among the go-to ways to meet lesbians.

Lesbian and bisexual singles have lots of dating options for meeting potential partners. Dating apps offer chat and video features that let lesbians form genuine connections.

“Get on dating apps. They’re a lot of fun, and 95% of the women I’ve met on them have been super cool people.” — anonymous Redditor

“The best relationships I have had so far were via a discord server and actually meeting someone on Fetlife. In each case, neither of us had a photo to go off and it was based more on what was written regarding interests, values, and direction of life,” said Reddit user LauraOutdoorsInOz.

Lex, Feeld, and HER rank among the best dating apps for lesbians. Each one has a strong, supportive community that can help lesbian singles find their perfect match.

8. Pay Attention to Red Flags

Once you start dating someone, you begin to see their character clearly, the good along with the bad. Dating is the ideal time to spot any red flags before you try to take things to a more serious level.

The moment you spot a red flag, treat it seriously. I’d strongly urge you not to brush it off. Raise your concerns when you talk, then decide whether you want to keep seeing that person. Ignore a red flag now, and it’ll haunt you further into the relationship.

A few common dating red flags:

• Bad communication or slow, sporadic text replies
• Unpredictable mood swings
• Pushing for commitment or declaring love too soon (aka love bombing)
• Stirring up trouble with your friends or family
• Obsessing over an ex

Not every red flag means you have to end things. It might just be a communication or trust issue your date has, and you’ll need to decide whether you’re willing to deal with it. Some red flags, though, are simply too big to work through, like pushy behavior.

“Women can be creeps, too. Sometimes even the ones who are talking a lot of shit about feminism and consent are creeps,” said an anonymous Reddit user. “Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence, and it’s not your fault if it hurts their feelings. Someone who is pushy over little things (like insisting that you have another drink) is testing your boundaries, and they’re going to try pushing you around over big things, too.”

Put These Tips to Work on the Lesbian Dating Scene

Admittedly, dating as a lesbian can get pretty complicated, and that isn’t always a good thing. Still, with the right tools and habits, you can absolutely meet a woman who shares your vibe. Dating can get lonely sometimes, particularly after a setback, when no friend or family member can relate.

Don’t worry, though: Reddit is ready to help you succeed at dating, thanks to the insights of other lesbians, who head there to share their real-life stories and advice.

Just remember that there’s no single right way to date. Ultimately, your best bet is to experiment with new approaches until something clicks on your dating journey. I’ll close with a Reddit quote I’m fond of.

“Don’t let the fear of rejection hold you back. Give her your number, ask her out on a date, and go in for the kiss. You’ll regret the missed opportunities much more than the failed efforts,” said an anonymous Reddit user.