Why This Relationship Coach Says Being Needy Is Normal

The Short Version: Has anyone ever called you needy? Ali Jackson, a relationship coach who also hosts a podcast, says you shouldn’t hear it as an insult. Ali told us why there’s no reason to hide your personal needs, and how firm boundaries draw the right people in while keeping the wrong ones away.

I like to think that plenty of things that feel really hard in the moment will turn out funny eventually. At 19, I drove across the country with a best friend of mine, and the whole trip was packed with hilariously frustrating moments.

Here’s one: While we were driving south through Atlanta, my dashboard went dark without warning, and every dial fell to zero. We were doing 65 mph in the second lane from the left. We got off the road, phoned my dad, tracked down a mechanic, and tacked an entire day onto the trip.

It had everything you’d need for a terrible day, but we couldn’t miss how absurd it was. Less than two hours into a drive of 20+ hours, the car died on us completely. We’d planned so much for this adventure, but nothing could have prepared us for that.

The sheer awfulness of it was funny. My friend and I killed the day wandering the neighborhood around the mechanic’s shop, stumbled onto an amazing vegan restaurant, and kept cracking up over how each of us had reacted when the car “shut off on the highway.”

Ali spoke with us about needs, boundaries, and dating today.

Sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry, and doing both is fine, particularly when the subject is dating (or, to be honest, car trouble). If most things become funny in the end, bringing a little humor to the moment can help.

That’s precisely how Ali Jackson spends her days as a relationship coach and podcast host. She founded and hosts the podcast Finding Mr. Height, on which she tells her own story and helps other women with theirs.

At the heart of Ali’s philosophy is honesty about your needs. If someone has ever called you “needy,” you know how much that label can hurt. But Ali says you have nothing to worry about: Needy is normal.

“Everybody has needs,” Ali said. “It’s just about figuring out what yours are, what the most important needs are, and then communicating those needs to other people so you can fulfill them.”

How Ali Is Finding Mr. Height

In the dating and relationship world, Ali is known for being relatable, and that doesn’t happen overnight. Her own dating journey has been full of transformations, a few changes in approach among them.

Back then, Ali was single, dating, and wanted more single friends. She was looking for people who’d understand her circumstances and experiences more deeply than her friends in relationships could. So she began posting videos on TikTok and Instagram, sharing her honest truths about dating.

“I was like– here’s what I’m doing, and here’s what I’m learning,” Ali said. “I shared what I’ve learned about myself in therapy and through relationships, and how I approach dating. It started resonating with people.”

Dating on purpose is the heart of Ali’s approach. Think about how you communicate your needs, how you’ve approached dating in the past, how you’d like to approach it going forward, and, crucially, how you treat the people you date.

When you date on purpose, your intentions, needs, and boundaries stay front and center the whole way through.

As people started asking Ali for advice, she saw that her story was prompting others to rethink how they’d been dating and what they’d experienced. “I realized that the expertise I’ve gained from my own personal experience is valuable,” she said.

For Ali, 2018 was a defining year. “My dad passed away in 2018,” she said. “We were really close. The whole family was close. He had cancer and was sick for quite a while.”

During the last years of her father’s life, Ali spent many hours talking with him, and she said her outlook on dating changed dramatically. She began thinking more critically and deliberately about who she wanted to end up with.

“Realizing that my dad wasn’t going to meet the person I would end up with made me want to have really intentional conversations with him about what he wanted for me and what I wanted for myself,” Ali said. Those talks changed everything.

“I started approaching dating in an intentional way,” Ali said. “I’m looking for somebody who’s going to meet all of these things that I want, who’s going to love me for me, and be somebody my dad would have really loved.”

Boundaries Are Not Ultimatums

Ali loves the phrase “Needy is normal,” and it’s true that every relationship we’re in comes with different needs. Figure out what you’d need from a potential partner, then date with that in mind.

While you consider what you expect from a partner, think too about your expectations of yourself and of everyone else in your life. No single person can meet every one of your needs, and looking for someone who will is a recipe for disappointment.

You have to work out which needs you can meet yourself, which ones friends and family can meet, and which ones your partner meets. With your needs figured out, the next key step is to communicate them honestly and right from the beginning.

If you want a real partnership, you have to be honest about what you need.

Often, that communication takes the form of boundaries.

“I had two psychologists on the podcast last week, and they both hammered home the same thing: boundaries invite closeness,” Ali said. “If you think about boundaries as a way to bring people closer to you, rather than push them away, it’s a lot easier to communicate them.”

Boundaries concern your needs, not the needs, wants, or behavior of other people; they’re a way of putting your needs into words. Sharing your boundaries with someone invites them to know you better. There’s a reason behind every boundary, and digging into that reason can draw you and your partner closer.

“If someone’s constantly saying something that’s hurting your feelings, it’s about saying you don’t like that, and you’re inviting that person to get closer to you by knowing and navigating that,” Ali said.

The right people will want to learn about your boundaries and will respect them. Anyone who isn’t doesn’t deserve a second date. Stating your needs makes a great screening tool: Someone who’s serious about dating you will care about that conversation.

“It’s telling someone this is what you need to feel safe and loved,” Ali said. “And, hopefully, that person will come closer to you and do that.”

“Love Your Whole Life”

When you’re ready for the real thing and want it badly, not finding it is frustrating. And being single tends to attract lots of opinions nobody asked for.

The old mantra “You can love yourself until you love someone else” can ring pretty false when you’re aware you’ve already put in (and are still putting in!) the necessary self-work. “Yeah, I love myself plenty, thanks,” Ali joked about the saying.

Wanting a partner doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your life in some way. Craving close relationships is part of being human, and it’s certainly nothing to hide from.

Pour your energy into the activities, places, and people that make life great for you.

“The biggest thing for me in helping people with their love lives is that I want you to love your whole life,” Ali said. “And your love life. It’s really important to be able to do both and know that both can exist at the same time. You can both love your life and be intentionally looking for a partner.”

Ali has a partner now, while her co-host is still single, which she said gives the show a lightness that plenty of single listeners relate to, women in particular. Listening to the pod is like overhearing two close girlfriends chatting as they work through the highs and lows of breakups, dating apps, and situationships.

From the very beginning of a relationship, you’ll get chances to share your needs and set boundaries. Grab them when they come. They’re chances for closeness, connection, and stronger relationships.

Stating what you need won’t ruin anything, so don’t be afraid to do it.

Ali’s mom used to tell her when she was little: “If it’s right, there’s nothing you can do wrong. And if it’s wrong, there’s nothing you can do right.”