LGBTQ+ Matchmaker Tammy Shaklee on Making a Great First Impression

If you’ve been dating in hopes of landing a long-term relationship, slipping into patterns is easy.

You might start taking every date to one go-to bar or restaurant and asking them all the same questions. Dates stop being something to look forward to; they feel like interviews.

Tammy Shaklee’s specialty is matchmaking for LGBTQ singles.

Once your dating life slips into autopilot, though, you can hardly hope to form a real connection with your romantic matches.

Tammy Shaklee, a gay and lesbian matchmaker and the owner of H4M Matchmaking, says the best path to love begins with paying attention. “Be present,” Tammy told us. “Be in your environment.”

We talked with Tammy about her tips for LGBTQ+ singles who want to get more out of their dates. She’s skilled at helping singles break out of going-through-the-motions mode and give every date their full attention.

Plenty of singles grow cynical about dating. Expecting each date to fail, they stop making an effort. But if you don’t try, no relationship will move forward or feel exciting.

That’s why Tammy recommends that singles concentrate simply on building rapport and the possibility of a real connection on every date. The goal isn’t certainty that you’ve met your soulmate; it’s engaging with another human being.

“You’re trying to establish a human connection,” Tammy said. “Do you feel like you’re going back and forth in your banter? It doesn’t mean you can’t have a lull, but does it seem equitable in engagement? When you’re learning as much about them as they are you, that’s attraction starting to grow.”

Icebreakers Don’t Need to Be Corny

Most people need a little time to relax around a stranger, and the same goes for dates. To get things going, Tammy recommends bringing up topics that arise naturally from where you are. Think about your setting, how you met, and what’s on the menu.

An easy way to kick off the conversation is just to talk about the spot where you’re meeting. Try something like, “I think this place has a great vibe,” or “Have you been here before? This is the first time I’ve ever been here, but it reminds me of a place over on the east side.”

Tammy says the secret is to stay positive and treat any topic as a way into learning more about your date through follow-up questions. As you ask, you’ll start to get a sense of the interests and common ground you and your date may share.

“You want to be engaging with your partner, the environment, the atmosphere, and start to share experiences,” Tammy said. In other words, respond to what’s happening around you and your date, and let the conversation flow in a direction that suits both of your interests.

“You’re not trying to mirror each other; you’re just kind of getting a sense of if there are things you’ll both enjoy,” Tammy said. “It’s that easy. Icebreakers don’t have to be from a list of 100 silly questions.”

Paying Attention Is Attractive

A lot of flirting and attraction comes down to body language, so you’ll want to show your date you’re interested while also catching subtle signs that they are too. Not everyone is very forward, though, and some people prefer quieter signals of interest.

That’s why, according to Tammy, paying attention is among the best ways to both show interest and read it.

“If your head’s up, you’re off the device, you’re leaning in, and you’re paying attention to their needs,” Tammy said. “Noticing: ‘Is this table a little too cold for you? We could move to this other table.’ It’s a simple gesture that the other person is caring about your comfort or your satisfaction.”

Tammy told us that something about her now-partner struck her right away: they always stood whenever she returned from the restroom. “That was impressive to me,” she said. “It was very mannered.”

Some people find eye contact uncomfortable, but good eye contact is crucial for building attraction.

“It doesn’t have to be constant eye contact, Tammy said. “But if you’re really maybe romantically interested, you want to pay attention to what their eyes look like, how much they’re looking at you, do you notice their smile, their dimples, their voice.”

Ultimately, though, the most attractive gestures are those that reveal the good qualities you’d offer a partner. “It can be simple, but demonstrate that you’re caring and kind,” Tammy said. “Kind is the number one keyword most singles ask for in a future partner.”

Chemistry Can Develop in Any Kind of Relationship

Meet someone when you’re young, and they may begin as a crush. You’re drawn to them first, then you work up the nerve to ask them out, so you start from a baseline of physical attraction.

As an adult meeting dates, though, you probably won’t feel strong attraction right away, and you might assume that means you never will with that person.

Luckily, chemistry can develop, and it does in most successful adult relationships. Tammy likes to compare it to friendship when she describes how this works for couples.

“Did you know the second you met your best friend that they would be your best friend forever?” Tammy asked. “No, because even your bond as friends took a little time to grow; your chemistry as friends took a little time to grow. Same thing happens with a potential partner in a future relationship.”

On a first date, just aim to connect positively with your partner. Falling in love right away isn’t required; you just need a sense that you two can have fun and find common ground.

Notice whether the conversation flowed, whether they took an interest in your passions and hobbies, and whether you could return the favor.

Listen to Your Gut

After the date wraps up, notice how you feel once you’re apart. Maybe you aren’t doodling their name all over your diary, but do you think about them fondly? Can’t wait to see them again?

“Notice your thoughts and your feelings,” Tammy suggested. “Did you wake up the next day thinking, ‘I really enjoyed that’? Or ‘I really had fun just hanging out with them.’”

Warm feelings like these are the first seeds of attraction and chemistry taking root. They won’t necessarily feel dramatic, but you should pursue them.

“It’s not perfect, it’s not rom-com, it’s not always Disney or Hallmark,” Tammy said. “Sometimes it’s just the human connection of hanging out and the warmth starting to grow in your time together. You’re becoming more relaxed, more comfortable…and you look forward to the next time.”