Icebreakers That Actually Work for Singles

If you’re like me, just hearing the word “icebreakers” makes a shiver run down your spine on its own. Maybe it brings back 1) the soul-crushingly dull games your corporate manager makes everyone play at the weekly team meeting, or 2) that icebreaker gum candy, the one that just put the famous Miss Peaches in the veterinary hospital this month. Sure, you can act like you’ve never heard of Miss Peaches, but we’d know you were lying.

Either way, icebreakers don’t exactly have great associations. We’re about to fix that, though. Why? They’re a key part of dating, and getting a handle on how they function (and on what makes one good or bad) can separate a date that has you grinning afterward from one so dull you’re tempted to stage an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” moment to have your memory wiped permanently.

Icebreakers: What They Are and the Types

The word “icebreaker” gets a nice, tidy summary from Merriam-Webster:

 “Something that is said or done to get through the difficulties in starting a conversation or discussion.” 

What I love about this definition is its simplicity, sure, but also the reminder that icebreakers needn’t be “Two Truths And A Lie” or “Would You Rather?” They don’t even have to be games. An icebreaker can come in all shapes and sizes, but at the end of the day, every one of them falls into one of two categories:

Verbal Icebreakers

A verbal icebreaker is exactly what the name suggests: one that uses words to ease a conversation along. It could be a question, asked face to face or through a dating app, such as:

“I saw you’ve done a lot of traveling! What’s your favorite travel story?”

“You mentioned you have a dog…Tryna exchange pup pics or nah?”

“You have a lot of references to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia in your profile. Would you wanna come up and watch an episode with me?”

You’ll notice that each of these questions draws on something the speaker picked up from their date’s online profile or from an earlier conversation. That’s because the best way to break the ice while also leaving a good impression is showing you’ve been paying attention. Nobody likes feeling like the 15th match you’ve written to today (even when that’s exactly what they are).

Compliments can work as verbal icebreakers, too (on all sorts of things, please, not just looks). Some examples might be:

“You seem super cool and down to Earth!”

“You have such good energy!”

“Your music taste is so unique!”

Depending on the topic and how you deliver them, jokes can also make excellent verbal icebreakers. Rather than trying out a couple of sample jokes on you, we’ll simply say this: Tailor it to the person, and keep it clean(ish). Again, nobody wants your sloppy seconds.

Finally, verbal icebreakers can sometimes, though not necessarily, be games. If Two Truths And A Lie or Would You Rather? hasn’t fried your brain yet, go ahead and try them. You could also play Desert Island, 20 Questions, or good old trivia. You could even build your whole date around trivia by catching a Trivia Night at some bar close by. Who knows? Your huge, fact-packed brain (or your charming lack of one) might be exactly what wins your date over.

Non-Verbal Icebreakers 

Right before my junior year of college started, I was about to share a new house with someone I’d gone to high school with and her friend Andrea, a total stranger to me. Warming up to people had always taken me a while, but a few minutes after we met, Andrea did something that instantly lowered my guard: She pointed out that we’d both shown up in practically identical outfits, laughed, and gave my shoulder a playful shove.

The touch was subtle, but combined with the verbal icebreaker (her remark about our outfits), it was enough to say “I’m comfortable with you, and therefore you’re safe to feel comfortable with me.” It’s a perfect illustration of what a non-verbal icebreaker can do.

A non-verbal icebreaker is any action that relies on everything but words to put a conversation at ease or build rapport. In my story, Andrea broke the tension of our first meeting with a gentle touch on the shoulder, though other non-verbal icebreakers might include:

• Laughing for real (above all during an awkward silence; you’d be amazed how one laugh can move the vibe from 0 all the way to 100).
• Showing up to the date with a gift.
• Flashing a cheeky wink (and cue the fanny flutters).
• Giving your date a high five (cheesy, but it works).
• Treating your date to a drink.
• Handing over your jacket or coat (très romantique!).

The list could go on, but you get the idea. On your next date, give a few of these a shot and see how things go. And flip it around: Watch closely for what your date does to make you feel relaxed and comfortable. You might learn something!

Why Icebreakers Matter

If you’ve read this far, you probably have a solid grasp of the part icebreakers play in dating. Still, for clarity’s sake, let’s dig a little deeper into exactly why they’re so essential when you’re looking for love (or fun).

At their core, icebreakers can close the distance between two people on a date who, let’s face it, are probably nervous about being there. Two perfectly compatible lovers could be seated opposite each other at a corner cafe and never realize it because neither one breaks the ice.

A new relationship takes its tone from the icebreakers.

A joke, a light touch on the thigh, or a real laugh during an uncomfortable silence can work like a hammer, shattering the wall of awkwardness and discomfort and making room for each person’s true personality to shine.

Then you can finally get into the juicy stuff: personal goals, whether they’re more into Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, favorite current artists, you know. Icebreakers let all the important things come out naturally. The relationship might work out, or it might not. Either way, you’ll know you laid everything on the table. Yes, icebreakers really can do all of that.

Tips for Starting a Good Conversation

I can guess your reaction: “Tips for Starting a Good Conversation” sounds like a book an alien might read on its first trip to Earth, right next to “How to Use the Toilet” and “How to Walk Like You’re Not Keeping A Giant Secret.” But trust me, if you want to master the icebreaker, you need to start with the basics. Once you know the fundamentals of building lively, engaging conversations, you’ll be able to sharpen your icebreaker skills and approach the dating game with confidence. Let’s go.

Show Genuine Interest

Genuine curiosity about what your date is telling you sparks meaningful conversation better than almost anything. Follow-up questions, body language (like nodding and expressive faces), and open-ended questions all signal that you’re engaged and genuinely want to know more about them. And if you aren’t? You might just be a jerk, in which case you had no business being on the date at all.

Let Your Sense of Humor Shine

Loosen up and crack a few jokes! After all, this isn’t a job interview. Humor is a powerful way to bring some fun and laughter to a conversation that might otherwise feel slow and awkward. When the laughs start coming, people’s real personalities start to show.

Laughing together breaks the ice by helping people relax.

Our advice: Keep the jokes on the safe side at first. Your date might share your twisted, dark, or sexual sense of humor, but you’ll need to discover that as you go. So steer clear of controversial or sensitive subjects your date could find offensive. Even with good intentions, that can be tough to gauge when you’ve just met.

Establish Respectful Boundaries

I’ll confess this one is tough for me, since I’m a world-famous yapper (and a nosy one, too). I want to jump straight to the good stuff: childhood trauma, exes, deepest darkest fears, the whole shebang. Not everybody shares as freely as I do, though, so I’ve learned to rein it in. Respecting boundaries helps the person I’m talking to feel safe and comfortable in the space we share, and with any luck it leads to deeper conversations later on. Easy does it.

Don’t Use a Pickup Line

Friends, it’s 2024. We can do better! Pickup lines are boring, insincere, and unoriginal. Most people who hear one can tell you’ve tried the exact same line on at least a dozen others, and it’ll turn them off immediately. Like we said earlier, the person you’re talking to will probably respond better to a first message or greeting tailored to them, not something that reads like it came from a Reddit thread.

Online Icebreakers That Work

Knowing why icebreakers matter is one thing; thinking of icebreakers that really land is a whole other story. We already went over some examples near the start of this article, but adding a couple more can’t hurt.

1. Ask a Question Inspired by Their Profile

We can’t stress this enough: The majority of online daters want a sense that their match is actually paying attention. Scroll through their profile again, make some mental notes about what you find, and turn those notes into a few engaging follow-up questions.

Say your match seems to be a huge Swiftie. You could ask something like one of these:

“Tryna recommend a Taylor Swift album for me? I’ve been meaning to start listening to her.”

“How many times have you seen her on tour? My sister’s goin on 7!”

“How do we feel about Taylor and Travis as a couple? Do we stan or nah?”

Questions like these show you’re genuinely interested in the person’s dating profile and aren’t treating them like one more Tinder match.

1. Commit to the Bit

“I Think You Should Leave” is among my favorite comedy shows, so naturally, I based all my Hinge prompt answers on one particular skit about ziplines (to weed out non-fans, of course). The men I ended up matching and chatting with were the ones whose first message quoted that very skit, proving they’d seen the show and had a first-rate sense of humor. They committed to the bit, in other words, and I respected that hugely.

Granted, not every profile you see will revolve around a particular episode of some sketch comedy series, but you get the idea. It’s one more example of how simply paying attention to someone’s profile can take you far in online dating.

1. Send a Song Link

Everyone loves music, and anyone who doesn’t is probably a cyborg. Start the conversation on a good note by sending a song you’ve had on repeat lately. Paste in the link and add something like:

“I’ve been listening to this song nonstop lately. What do you think?” 

“If you had to rate this song from 1-10, what number would you give it?” 

Or even… “What does this song make you think of?”

If they like it, you instantly have something to bond over. And if they don’t, they’ll probably still appreciate that you asked for their take. Who doesn’t like feeling that their opinion counts?

In-Person Icebreakers That Work

It’s natural to feel a little jittery (and maybe a little sweaty) before meeting a potential date face to face, and having some go-to icebreakers ready helps. Check out the real-life examples below and use them as a springboard for dreaming up a couple of your own.

1. Tell a Story

First dates feel awkward and scary for one obvious reason (surprise!): You’re still strangers, with no comfort or familiarity between you. So why not fake it? Tell them something wild, funny, or interesting that you went through lately, or even a news story you saw, and tell it the way you’d tell an old friend of 15 years. Some of my all-time best dates kicked off with one of us saying something like:

“Holy sh*t, the craziest thing happened to me the other week…”

“Wow, I saw on the news that…”

“You wanna hear a wild story?”

Go ahead and spill that tea, friend. Few things get a conversation flowing quite like it.

1. Give a Polite Compliment

Like I said earlier, compliments earn you extra credit when they aren’t about a person’s face or body. Complimenting someone’s personality or interests shows your date that you’re fully present, soaking it all in. What’s more, meeting face to face lets you convey how sincere your compliment is through your voice, and also play with a little gentle physical touch.

You might say “This jacket looks really good on you” while reaching over to feel the fabric.

Or try “This is such a cool ring, I’ve never seen anyone wear one like it before” as your fingers gently brush theirs. (Can you feel the sexual tension practically boiling over in the room?!)

1. Play the “Are They On A First Date?” Game

Nothing takes the pressure off a first-date ‘couple’ like turning your attention to the other first-daters around you. Say the two of you are out in public (a cafe, bar, or restaurant): Make a game of guessing which people nearby might be meeting for the first time. And if it seems like nobody around is a first-timer, just start inventing stories for every couple or two-top you see. For inspo, check out this scene from the romcom “Date Night” (start at timestamp 0:22).

Your jokes might draw on how they’re talking, how they’re holding themselves, or, if you’re in the mood to get a little crazy, total delusion. It’s an opening for your imagination, or hopefully your sense of humor, to run more naturally.

Icebreakers to Skip

We want you to be as creative and authentic as you can, but remember that some limits exist, or should. Some things are better left unsaid, or saved for later on, when things feel less new and fragile. Read on for the three kinds of icebreakers to cut from your dating repertoire.

1. Offensive or Inappropriate Topics

Not sure who needs this reminder, but insults are not the same as flirting, regardless of what you heard from your first grade teacher. Sure, some people enjoy a good “flirt to roast ratio,” but a playful joke is different from a remark that’s plainly, backhandedly hurtful (known as “negging”). Here are a few examples of negging:

“You’re pretty for a fat girl.”

“That song you posted on your profile is so sick. I bet I have better music taste than you, though.”

“That’s so cool that you went to Japan last summer. Who gave you the money to do that?”

Be careful, too, not to build your icebreaker around something your date might find inappropriate or offensive. Unless you’ve both agreed you want a FWB-type situation, that means skipping sexual and crude comments that could snuff out the romantic flame before it’s even lit.

1. Overly Personal Questions

Like I said, this one can be hard for anyone accustomed to sharing their business with everybody, right down to their mom’s dentist’s twice-removed cousin. It’s necessary all the same. Some people need more time than others before they’re comfortable sharing the “deeper” stuff, and they appreciate it when you respect that. So steer clear of questions like:

“Why don’t you and your sister talk anymore?”

“How often did you and your ex have sex?”

“How much money do you make?”

Your date might be the one who opens the door to these kinds of questions. If so, you can decide to go ahead and match their energy. If they don’t, though, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

1. Insincere Compliments

I understand: Thinking of a kind thing to say to your match or date in the moment isn’t always easy. Still, I beg you, for the love of all that’s good and holy, don’t give a compliment you don’t mean. It might wound the person (most of us can sniff out a fake from a mile off), and it also wrecks your credibility. If your match or date sees you’ll lie about something so small and pointless, they’ll naturally wonder what else you might lie about. Nobody wins.

Good Icebreakers Show Polite Interest

Congrats, you’ve reached the end of our guide! There’s no shiny new partner as a prize, but you should come away with some helpful insights for finding one. You now understand how vital icebreakers are to online and in-person dating, so get going on brainstorming ones that fit you best.

Armed with this new toolbox, we encourage you to get out there on dates and use what you’ve learned here, watching closely to see how your date reacts to each icebreaker you try. Some might swing and miss, and that’s fine!

Keep mental notes on what works and what falls flat. The key is to come from a place of respect, authenticity, and genuine interest. If you can tick all three of those boxes, you’ll know you’ve done everything you can. Everything else is up to the dating gods, merciful or merciless as they may be (time will tell). Good luck!