Why Dating Coach Connell Barrett Recommends Sober Dates

More and more people are sober or trying to drink less, with young people out in front. One study found that 19% of Gen Zers don’t touch alcohol at all.

A bigger share of people across every generation want to cut back on drinking, and alcohol-free options such as mocktails and THC drinks are soaring in popularity.

Dating coach Connell Barrett

Notably, most of the people cutting back aren’t doing so because of addiction or alcohol-related trauma. They simply don’t want to drink.

“Ten years ago, saying ‘I’m sober’ on a date would feel like a confession,” dating coach Connell Barrett told us. “Now, it’s a flex.”

Connell has watched the sober daters he works with enjoy a far smoother experience.

And whether or not someone drinks in general, Connell believes more people should think about going on sober dates.

Some Gen Xers and Baby Boomers may find the idea of going only on sober first dates odd and uncomfortable. How are you supposed to break the ice? Yet Connell said that among Gen Zers and millennials, 65% actually prefer sober dating.

Being sober, Connell said, lets you “show up as the most true, real, grounded version of you. You’re not catching a buzz from the alcohol. You’re catching a buzz off your own self-confidence and hopefully catching a buzz off the other person and the connection you make.”

How to Plan a Sober Date

Even without a drinking problem, skipping alcohol can feel awkward in places where everyone drinks. If you’d prefer to date sober, a bar may seem pointless, and you might end up watching your date drink while you abstain.

That might not bother you, but it’s likely not the best setup for a first date.

So Connell recommends dates where drinking wouldn’t fit in the first place. Why put yourself and your date in line for an awkward conversation or mismatched energy?

Increasingly, drinking isn’t an assumed part of life; it’s something that everyone must choose or avoid for themselves. — Connell Barrett

“If you want to date sober, you should choose a place where alcohol won’t even be a question,” Connell said. “Go to museums or coffee shops where you can play board games. Activity dates are great — anything that’s focused on activities and not alcohol makes it easy to not even worry about whether anybody is going to have a drink.”

Beyond drinks, activity dates are a great choice, since they take some planning and let you show off your interests. Ideally, a potential partner will have a few hobbies in common with you.

Say you love rock climbing: a visit to a nearby climbing gym with your date can be a fun way for you to get acquainted.

If every date centers on grabbing drinks at a bar, each one can lose its magic. Perhaps there’s one spot you take every first date. It turns into routine instead of an exciting way to show interest in one new, unique person.

Keep in mind that sobriety needn’t get in the way of your dating life or your life in general, so long as you present it in a positive light. Plan dates that aren’t centered on drinking, and alcohol shouldn’t become a problem.

Liquid Courage Is a Myth

If drinking on dates is your habit, you might be wondering: Will I still be funny? Am I too awkward to go on a sober date?

Connell promised us, though, that once you stop drinking on dates, you’ll see that alcohol helps far less than you’d think. “If you date sober, you realize there’s really no such thing as liquid courage,” he explained.

Drinking may make you chattier and less vulnerable to social anxiety. You might be less inclined to second-guess what you say or to regret a conversational stumble.

But alcohol doesn’t improve you; it strips away your self-awareness. You aren’t actually any better at darts after a few drinks. In Connell’s words, “Alcohol doesn’t give you courage; it dulls the little voice of self-doubt.”

A few drinks in, that first kiss might feel effortless. But a big part of early dating is the thrill and anticipation of making the next move. You should feel nervous about a first kiss; the nerves help make it special.

“If you date sober, you get to decide to use actual courage and go for the scary thing,” Connell said. “There’s so much more growth and connection if you choose courage on your own.”

Even so, heading into a sober date might bring some extra anxiety, and that isn’t always helpful. To keep things running smoothly, Connell recommends showing up a little prepared.

“Have a back pocket topic so you never worry about having something to say,” he advised. After the first few minutes, the conversation will likely flow on its own, but this way you won’t have to fret about a lull.

Telling Dates You’re Sober

Sobriety needn’t weigh on you, but it can be a major lifestyle difference, so Connell believes it should come up right away.

“It’s good to let people know from the get-go if you don’t drink,” he said. “You can put it on your profile in ways that give clarity as to how you feel about being sober, but can also be flirty and playful.” 

He recommends putting a line in your profile along the lines of: “I’m sober, but I’ll get a buzz from you.”

Present your sobriety as just one positive part of who you are, and it will draw the right people to you.

You might worry that sobriety will scare certain people away from your profile. Most people will view it as neutral or positive, and if a few don’t want to date someone sober, that’s fine. You wouldn’t want to date them anyway.

“Your online dating profile is just a piece of digital marketing that’s designed to attract people who are your type, and it’s okay to push away people who aren’t your type,” Connell explained. If drinking plays a big role in someone’s life, they’re probably not right for you.

That said, Connell advises against dating only sober people. “That does limit your potential pool of daters,” he said. “I recommend that you tell your dates up front that you don’t drink alcohol, and that gives that person valuable information.”

Sober Dates Can Build Better Connections

The stigma around sobriety is disappearing fast. Some people will happily have a drink while out with a sober date, while others will naturally drink less because they’d rather not drink alone.

Both my partner and I drink, but at different times one of us has paused or cut back for health or fitness reasons. Usually, the other one follows suit.

In the end, if you’re going to click with your date, the fact that you’re not drinking won’t matter to them. “Any date is just a vehicle for connection,” Connell said. “It’s really all about dating with vulnerability, authenticity, and integrity.”