Vetting a Match Before the First Date: Safety Tips and Scripts

You matched! What next? In our app-obsessed era, a match is only the starting line. Online daters also have to build messaging and screening skills if they want to get from a match to a real date.

Clever pickup lines that used to land in a bar flop every single time on an app, and the endless loop of go-nowhere “good morning” texts wears so many people out that they’re too tired to date at all.

As fewer people have their meet cutes in person, more matches are made in the DMs.

If you’re lucky enough to survive the messaging gauntlet, you may be asking yourself how to know whether someone’s a good fit before you sink more time into meeting in person. That’s why screening has sat at the heart of the five-step dating system I’ve used for almost ten years.

Feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, or anxious about finding the right words for your dating situation? Pick up one of these scripts. Before long, you’ll be screening dates and communicating online like a pro.

When You’ve Matched and Want to Get a Chat Going

Gender rules about who messages first are oh so “You’ve Got Mail.” These days, anyone is free to message anyone!

To kick off a conversation with someone from a dating app, my go-to formula is the “comment + question approach.” Remark on something in their profile, then ask a question about that same topic to get a reaction.

If their profile doesn’t give you much to work with, though, a solid “this-or-that” question usually gets the conversation going. Here are a few examples:

• “Love your profile. I just have one burning question: early bird or night owl?”
• “Hi there! Just wondering, are you a coffee or tea person?”
• “Pop quiz! No pressure, but if we get ice cream on a first date, what flavor are you choosing?”
• “I like your vibe and want to know more. Let’s start easy: Cats or dogs?”

Any question that’s divisive but totally harmless will work. You’re not digging for their deepest, darkest secrets; the aim is simply to get them chatting with you.

When You Want to Screen More Closely in DMs

No fewer than 50% of profiles include mistakes, exaggerations, or out-of-date details, so asking follow-up questions that bring what you need to know to light is a smart move.

If one of their photos grabbed your attention, try:

“Great pic of (your trip/ that sport you play/ your hobby)! What was most exciting for you about it?”

Or maybe their profile prompt mentioned a strength of theirs, like loyalty or ambition. You could say:

“I like what you said about [trait]. I agree! Can you think of an example from your life?”

This way, you’re getting them to open up about something they already care about. You’ll find out whether they can actually say more about that photo, or whether it was just profile clickbait.

Red flags to watch for: Fuzzy answers, sidestepped questions, or a story that doesn’t add up.

When They Want to Switch to Texting…and You Don’t

For safety and efficiency, it’s smarter to keep talking inside the dating app. If anything goes wrong, you can report their profile and block them. It also keeps your phone number private.

Some will insist that focusing on one person is something they just can’t do unless the chat moves off the app. Others might say they’re about to delete the app and want to stay in touch.

Those are manipulative moves to pull you somewhere the conversation isn’t being tracked anymore.

Romance scammers use this tactic to dig up information about you with a reverse number search. Ordinary time wasters do it just to buy extra time while they decide if they’ll leave you dangling and keep stringing you along. Each is a red flag.

Whatever the motive, there’s no need to hurry into that step. My advice is for singles to swap numbers only after they’ve set a plan to meet. By then, you’ve built enough trust to share a phone number safely.

If someone wants to leave the app within the first few messages, be cautious about why.

When you turn down the request, keep it simple:

• “I prefer to keep chatting in the app until we’re ready to meet in person.”
• “I’m not comfortable giving out my phone number right away, but I’m happy to keep talking with you on here.”
• “I’d like to get to know you a little better before we exchange phone numbers.”

You’re allowed to state a preference without defending it. Just stay positive and repeat why you’re on the app in the first place.

When They Open with a Sexual Message Way Too Soon

Some people want a sexual outlet, not a real conversation. If that isn’t what you’re into, be direct and shut it down. Quickly.

“That’s gross.”

You don’t owe them another reply. Block them. Report them if needed. Move on.

When They’re Treating You Like a Pen Pal

Tons of online daters get caught in the pen pal trap. Every day, they message. They swap stories about their lives and feel connected through a screen and a keyboard. It’s nearly a real relationship…except it isn’t.

In reality, these daters have zero interest in meeting you face-to-face. They’ll certainly enjoy wasting your time, though.

Give my 1-to-1 Rule a try when it comes to getting offline. No more than one week after you match online, you must set a plan to meet up, hop on a video call, or book a phone call.

Once messaging drags on beyond a week, it simply runs out of steam. Let it go long enough and things get too cozy to move forward at all. Nobody feels motivated. The texting just drags on and on…and goes stale.

To nudge your online match toward the next step, try answering their next message along these lines:

• “I’ll tell you more about that when we meet for a drink.”
• “I’ve got an extra ticket to a game/event this weekend if you’re interested.”
• “Listen, the texting has been awesome, but I’m looking for someone to talk to and date in person. Are you up for it?”

If they have any real intention of connecting, they’ll bite and suggest when to have that first date.

When They Push to Meet Somewhere Private

Never ever have a first date at someone’s house or apartment. It simply isn’t safe. They might pitch it as cheap, convenient, or low-key, but in reality it’s risky and irresponsible.

Be polite but firm:

• “How about getting drinks at [Local Bar] first?” 
• “I’d rather meet for coffee so we can get to know each other.”

Meet in public first, and after that you can see how things go and trust your judgment about how comfortable you feel.

This safety rule is non-negotiable, and if a stranger from the internet is pressuring you to go somewhere private, that’s a HUGE red flag.

When They’re Soooo Busy They Can’t Make Time to Meet

Their job is big and important, they’re always traveling, or they’re dealing with something hard. Finding love matters to them… yet somehow the time never materializes. There’s always some excuse.

You say:

“I love chatting with you, but it sounds like you have too much on your plate now for a relationship.”

It’s a classic sales move known as “Negative-Reverse Selling.” When options and time seem endless, people sometimes put off deciding, but take the offer off the table and suddenly they’re afraid of missing out. That’s the moment they spring into action.

And if the answer is still no, at least you aren’t sinking more time into a connection that’s going nowhere.

When Your Spidey Senses Start Tingling

A big part of screening is weeding out the catfish and scammers who are always lurking online.

A reliable way to do that is to see them live over video chat. If you’d like to try it but fear you’ll scare them away, give this a shot:

“You’re too good to be true. I need to see those dimples on FaceTime.”

It works because it flatters them without piling pressure on that first look at their face…I mean, you’re only there for the dimples, right?

Or you can be more straightforward:

• “I really want to meet you, but I have a rule that I always do a video date first. Are you game?”
• “That’s more of a long story I’d need to tell face-to-face. Would you be up for chatting on FaceTime?”
• “I like your vibe. Think it’s time to try a video date and see if there’s something here?”

Then pin down exactly when your video date will happen, ideally in the next day or so.

Don’t push for a video date right away. Both of you need time to get ready, just as you would before a real first date, so you can make a great first impression.

The lighthearted wording keeps you from coming across as the Dating TSA running them through a scanner. Lines like “Are you game?” make it feel playful and fun instead of like a test.

When You Need to Know More

Keeping the conversation moving is essential. Learn their story. Ask for details.

Read their profile and comment on whatever jumps out at you. Ask what they think and what they’ve experienced.

It can be this simple:

“You have a fascinating outlook on____. Tell me more!”

An opening message like this skips past small talk and takes you straight to the two biggest pillars of lasting compatibility: shared goals and values.

Bonus: 8 Simple Ways to Start or Deepen a Conversation

The best screening method is easy: ask questions. As it happens, that’s also your best route to getting to know someone and laying the groundwork for a relationship.

Not sure what to ask? Try these solid dating questions for uncovering values fast:

• Who’s your hero of all time?
• Which travel destinations are on your bucket list?
• Has a movie ever brought you to tears? Which one?
• What did your summers look like as a kid?
• Do you attend church or temple regularly? How important is faith in your life?
• What stands out in your 10-year plan?
• When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
• Has anything you’ve read recently inspired you?

You can bring these questions up at any point in the conversation, and they’ll reveal a lot about how the other person thinks.

Setting Boundaries Isn’t Asking Too Much

Keep in mind that the goal is simply enough back-and-forth over text to size up interest and compatibility. The idea is to learn enough about the person to decide whether they’re worth a date (on video or face-to-face).

If a relationship is what you want, don’t get caught in the Texting Trap, that vast wasteland of “good morning” and “hey, beautiful” messages. A pen pal isn’t what you’re after!

It’s never too soon to begin screening matches and trusting your judgment, so that when someone does make it to the meet-in-person stage, you’re very likely to enjoy that date.

Love is out there…if you can just get off the app. These messaging shortcuts will get you there. Good luck out there!