No Second Date? A Matchmaker’s 3 Likely Reasons

Dating can wear you out and leave you emotionally drained, yet there’s no way around it if you want love that lasts.

For 26 years I’ve worked as both a matchmaker and a relationship expert, guiding singles through the dating world. In that time I’ve watched people of every age and background struggle, and sometimes my job is simply helping them stop getting in their own way.

In a post on Reddit, a gay man in his 40s explained that he wants a committed relationship yet never makes it beyond the second or third date.

Before anyone hands him a list of second date ideas or third date suggestions, it’s worth figuring out why things keep stalling. A few different scenarios could be at play, so let’s go through them.

1. Getting to the Good Dates Means Sitting Through Bad Ones

Everyone knows the line about kissing a few frogs before your prince shows up, and more often than not it holds. Plenty of people sit through date after date (including second or third dates) with people who turn out to be wrong for them, and then land in a wonderful relationship.

Dating is like shopping. You need to try things out before deciding if you want to keep them or put them back.

In his case, the other person decides after a date or two that he isn’t the right match. That’s fine. He should keep meeting new people and figuring out whether they suit each other, because that process is what eventually brings him closer to his person.

2. He Might Fall in Like (or Love) Too Quickly

Say he catches feelings after only a couple of dates, then gets let down when the feeling isn’t mutual. In that case, he might need to take a hard look at the standards and expectations he holds for a partner.

His bar could be set too low, so he ends up treating people whose values don’t match his own as partner material.

Maybe he talks for hours without ever getting to relationship goals and expectations. If so, he may not be asking the questions that would help him screen potential matches, such as:

• What are you hoping to find?
• In 10 years, do you see yourself as married or single?
• Have you ever been in a committed relationship?
• What traits do you want in a partner?

Had he asked his dates what kind of relationship they wanted, they may well have told him they were only after friends with benefits or a hookup.

Good daters know how to ask good questions. My guess is he hasn’t been asking the ones that would let him screen his dates properly.

3. He’s Picking the Wrong People

Most of us have a friend who sees the best in everybody and misses the red flags the rest of us spot from a mile off. If his friends can readily point out how they saw his poor choices coming from day one, he might want to let them pick potential partners for him instead of doing the choosing himself.

A wingman who weighs in could open his eyes.

Some professionals will even run clients’ dating apps for them through “online takeover” services. Sophy Love, for example, runs a dating concierge service designed to help clients overhaul their dating profiles and rethink what they want in a match.

Rather than turning to Reddit, this man could hand his swiping over to the pros and put himself in front of higher-quality matches.

Resilience Is Part of Dating

He could be so worn down by dating fatigue and frustration that he needs a break, followed by a fresh start a few months later with new eyes. When he dates from a place of power, confident and optimistic, he’s guaranteed to give off the kind of good energy that draws in the right partner!