Friends With Benefits: How to Handle the Gray Area

The cultural zeitgeist was in an interesting place in 2011. Adele was rocketing to mega-stardom (while setting fire to the rain, of course), the final Harry Potter films were bringing the saga to its heartbreaking close (I’m still not over it), and, above all, romcoms were molding the modern dating scene.

Crazy, Stupid, Love, Something Borrowed, and Just Go With It are all fan favorites I’d never dare leave out, but two films rose above the rest, probably because they tackled such similar subject matter.

No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits both follow a man and a woman caught up in a very modern dating dynamic: lots of sex, little commitment. Put another way, they’ve agreed to be FWBs, or “friends with benefits.”

Friends with benefits (FWBs, for short) describes two friends who agree to have sex without commitment.

As the characters learn (spoiler alert), and as we’ll explore here, a sex-greement between two friends is hard to manage. Miscommunication, mismatched expectations, and hurt feelings are all likely.

Still, one person’s waste of time might be someone else’s spiciest sex-ploration tale, which is why I hope this guide gives you the information and tools you need to make the choice that suits you best. Here we go.

What Does FWB Mean?

Had you asked me at 10 years old, I’d likely have said my “friend with benefits” was Julia, my best friend, since her pantry was packed with every snack I could possibly cram into my mouth during playdates at her house.

These days, though, I know the actual meaning is far juicier than those Gushers packs I loved, and far less PG.

Urban Dictionary defines friends with benefits as “two friends who trust each other enough to engage in sexual activity without fear of hurting the other’s feelings.”

I’ll dig into whether that second half holds up a bit later. This kind of dynamic calls for two friends who are comfortable enough together to agree to casual sex (usually on a regular basis) without expecting a committed romance.

Basically, it’s the meeting point between one-night stands and full-fledged relationships. The two (or more?) people involved feel much more relaxed together than strangers would, yet not so relaxed or committed that they want an exclusive relationship.

The catch is that lines blur fast when both sides aren’t communicating openly and honestly, so set boundaries before you dip your toes into the murky FWB waters.

But if you head off misunderstandings by setting expectations from the start, you and your bed buddy could be in for a few months (or even years, with luck) of great sex. That brings us to our next point.

3 Upsides of FWB Relationships

Everyone wants to start with the good stuff, right? So let’s look at the three biggest perks that come with an FWB arrangement.

1. Freedom and Flexibility 

Having enjoyed my single era for the last eight years, I can say that the freedom of an FWB setup would be a big draw for me, that is, if I weren’t hopelessly romantic.

Having a casual sex buddy lets people enjoy some bedroom fun now and then while still putting plenty of time and energy into school, their careers, and other priorities.

Maybe they’re investing in platonic friendships. And marriage and kids aren’t a priority for everyone. For an especially busy single adult, the convenience of the arrangement can be a major plus.

Take a doctor who ends up pulling crazy hours at the hospital, just as Natalie Portman’s character does in No Strings Attached. They might appreciate the option of texting their FWB after a long shift and coming home to a slice of eggplant pie ready and waiting.

And if that FWB is as easy on the eyes as Ashton Kutcher, even better.

2. Emotional Support Without Commitment 

This might not be true for FWBs with a “get in and get out” sort of vibe, but in plenty of cases, friends with benefits can give each other some emotional comfort and support.

After all, the whole idea is that friendship is part of the fine print in whatever verbal agreement you’ve made, and is there a better way to deepen that friendship than trading your dreams, fears, and struggles (naked, naturally)?

3. Exploration of Sexuality

One-night stands can scratch the itch, but full-on pleasure happens far less often than you might expect in them, particularly for women. That orgasm gap? It’s real.

The comfort usually needed for more genuine sexual expression grows with time and familiarity, and one-night stands, by their nature, have neither.

Two people meeting up casually but fairly regularly, on the other hand, tend to feel freer exploring their fantasies and sexual needs in the (ideally) safe space they’ve built together.

FWBs might not end up as a couple, but they could be helping each other get a clearer sense of what they want sexually in future relationships, which means more pleasure and satisfaction for everyone.

3 Challenges of Keeping It Casual

Suppose the couples from No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits could step off the screen and co-write this article with me, they’d tell you their movies send a loud, clear message: FWB arrangements are hard to manage and often don’t work out. A few root causes make them unstable.

1. Potential for Miscommunication

Even the most seasoned, logical dater will admit that thinking clearly is a hard ask (pun intended) once lust enters the picture.

A strong sex drive can keep people from being honest about what they really want from their tonsil hockey teammate, which leads to confusion and hurt feelings for one or both of them.

2. Risk of Developing Unreciprocated Feelings

Orgasms sure know how to muddle dating. After one great romp, you find yourself making plans with a person you’d never in a million years have pictured yourself dating.

According to research, it all comes down to oxytocin’s power, since the body releases this hormone during sex (in all humans, not only women). Also called the “love hormone,” this chemical is often linked to feelings of closeness, trust, and empathy.

With that reaction going on in your body, it’s no mystery how your situationship can shift from casual sex into something more serious faster than you can say, “Pass the dildo.”

One person might develop feelings the other doesn’t share, and at that point the FWB deal may reach a sad, sticky end (pun intended again).

3. Impact on Friendship Dynamics

A few summers back, I was heading toward an FWB-style situation with a guy from the friend group I’d been part of since age 5.

We ended it before we ever got to the horizontal tango. We worried our bedroom adventures might split the friend group and, even worse, spoil a friendship we’d had for years.

As I said earlier, friendships get sticky once sex enters the mix, so always consider the risk that things could go sour between the two of you, and within any friend groups you have in common.

Tips for Handling FWB Dynamics

In high school, I had a friend whose parents bought him beer and told him, “We know you’re going to drink anyways, so we’d rather you do it here under our roof.” This part of the guide will be a bit like that.

I don’t exactly recommend trying to make an FWB arrangement work, but since plenty of you will anyway, I’d rather you have all the information and tips you need to keep the emotional damage to a minimum (consider yourself warned).

With that in mind, here are three very simple but very vital bits of advice to take with you.

Establish Boundaries

Even though FWB dating is pretty ad hoc, both people usually get the most out of it when there’s some structure and a few rules. Certain FWBs agree to skip texting or calling between meetups, except to set up the next “playdate.”

Others might agree not to meet each other’s families, or even each other’s friends. Everyone’s boundaries will look different.

What matters is that you set expectations thoughtfully and with care, based on what suits both you and your sexual partner.

Communicate Your Feelings Clearly

Like any relationship between people, an FWB connection depends on communication. Misunderstandings happen easily in a setup as complicated as friends with benefits, so take extra care with how you talk to your bedroom buddy. Get clear, direct, and specific about your needs, and stay considerate of theirs.

Have an Exit Strategy

Unless the two of you accidentally fall in love and get married, as the characters in No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits do, your casual sex-capade is going to end at some point.

Whether it fades out fairly peacefully or crashes and burns spectacularly depends on you, and on how well you manage to respect your FWB and plan your exit.

As you set boundaries and tell your FWB what you need, I suggest agreeing on some kind of protocol for telling the other person when you’re done.

That might mean a code word, regular check-ins, or one last phone conversation. If your chosen bedmate really cares about your feelings, they’ll respect that you want to end things and make peace with the fun being over.

This Nuanced Setup Isn’t Right for Everyone

Commitment-free, casual sex with a friend might be a fun option at a point in life when relationships just aren’t your main focus, or when your local dating pool isn’t offering much.

Just know going in that the odds of someone walking away from an FWB setup with hurt feelings (or maybe an urge to slash someone’s tires) are fairly high.

Fair warning: The faint of heart should steer clear of this kind of arrangement, and if you decide to head down this wild, winding road, be as intentional as you can.

That means making communication about your needs a top priority, always, always, always checking for consent, and building everything on a base of care and respect.

Beyond that, it’s up to the universe, or to whatever deity you worship. Best of luck, and be safe.