Is Your LGBT Relationship Abusive? Warning Signs to Know

People, the media, and social media throw phrases like these around constantly: “I don’t know why she stayed,” “It’s her fault for continuing to go back,” “It can’t be that bad if she won’t leave,” or “There’s no way she is telling the truth about her partner, who’s the nicest, most generous person. It must be her who is the problem.”

One big problem with abusive relationships: the people in them often don’t recognize it. These relationships aren’t abusive at the start. Gradually, the dynamics change and shift so subtly that it’s nearly impossible to say exactly when happy and loving gave way to controlling and abusive.

There’s another issue, too. When someone in an abusive relationship does begin to speak up or reach out for support, the abuser is often so charming and well-liked outside the relationship that nobody may believe the abused partner. That leaves abused people doubting themselves and feeling unsupported, and it usually ends with them staying put in the relationship.

Ups and downs are part of any relationship, but once the fights and low points cross a line, it’s time to deal with it.

Any relationship will have its ups and downs, and all couples argue, but in some relationships those highs, lows, and arguments go well past what’s normal and cross into territory considered abusive and unhealthy.

So how can you tell your relationship has crossed that line and you need to leave? There are many kinds of abuse, and getting to know every one of them comes first. This article covers each one, so by the time you reach the end, you’ll know.

Physical Abuse: The Signs

Mention abusive relationships, and often the only kind people picture is physical abuse. But most abusive relationships don’t begin that way.

In fact, it’s often among the last forms abuse takes in a relationship. Before any physical abuse happens, a partner has usually already endured several other kinds of abuse.

Hitting counts as physical abuse, and so does stopping someone from calling the police.

What you usually hear is “Well, they haven’t hit me,” or “I don’t have any bruises, broken bones, or anything.” It’s as though there has to be physical evidence to justify it before they, or other people, will believe the abuse is real or even think about leaving.

Common signs of physical abuse include:

• Hitting
• Shoving
• Choking
• Slapping
• Threatening or hurting you with weapons
• Deciding when you can eat or sleep
• Making you use drugs or alcohol
• Making you work against your will
• Stopping you from seeing a doctor or getting medical care
• Stopping you from calling the police

Sexual Abuse: The Signs

Sexual abuse is a highly controlling kind of abuse that people often don’t see as abuse, since sex is regarded as normal in a relationship. That can make it confusing to tell whether what’s happening is abusive. These signs can help clear things up:

• Pressuring or manipulating you into sexual acts: “If you loved me…” or “I guess I will have to find someone else who will do this…”
• Insisting on sex when you’re unwilling or unable (i.e., you’re sick)
• Hurting you during sex by hitting, holding, or choking you
• Sexually insulting you
• Making you watch porn

Psychological and Emotional Abuse: The Signs

Psychological and emotional abuse may be the most subtle kind of all, and it can easily go unnoticed. Over time, it can wear down your self-esteem until you feel worthless without this partner and this relationship.

You might feel lucky that this person wants to be with you at all. You might believe that if you’re ever foolish enough to leave, no one else will want you, and life without this person will be miserable. You might doubt that you could manage alone. Because of this person, you’ve forgotten that before them and this relationship, you had a life, and you can again.

Of all abusive behaviors, emotional abuse may be the hardest to spot.

Psychological and emotional abuse can show up in these ways:

• Deliberately holding back affection to control you and keep power over you: “No sex, kisses, or hugs until you’re ‘nice’
  again” or “Maybe I would want to have sex with you more if you would just learn to stop nagging and complaining all of the time and just shut your mouth.”
• Threats that if you leave, they’ll do things like share embarrassing details about you with other people or keep your kids away from you.
• Cutting you off from friends and family. They may tell those people you’re too busy for a visit, or guilt you when you want to see them: “I guess you don’t care that I will be home all alone while you’re out having fun.”
• Labeling you needy when you ask them for support
• Indifference to how you feel: they watch you cry or get upset and just ignore it or do nothing.
• Telling you you’re wrong to feel a certain way.
• Ignoring your calls or texts.
• Blaming their anger or upset on something you said or did, so you’re usually the one apologizing, even though you did nothing wrong.
• Insisting that the anger and control problems are yours and that they’re the victim.
• Accusing you of being too emotional and overreacting any time you want to talk about how you feel.
• Blaming you whenever anything goes wrong in their life.
• Denying that a conversation or argument ever happened. This “gaslighting” is meant to make you doubt your sanity, your memory, and yourself.
• Jealousy, and possibly accusations of cheating or flirting.

Financial Abuse: The Signs

Sadly, this kind of abuse stays well hidden in most relationships, and it can affect someone profoundly for as long as they live. Watch for these signs of financial abuse:

• Making you choose a career, or forgo one, so you won’t succeed and will depend on them entirely
• Monitoring every penny you spend and demanding a reason for each expense, while they spend whatever and whenever they like without ever telling you anything.
• No access to credit cards or bank accounts. One person controls all the money and hands it out.
• Threatening to leave and telling you you’ll be left with nothing.

Learn the Signs and What to Do Next

Bruises and broken arms aren’t the only signs that you’re in an abusive relationship. Someone can abuse you in so many ways. If your relationship leaves you unhappy at the moment and you recognize some of these signs of abuse, your relationship may be abusive.

The good news is that help is available. Leaving won’t be easy, but it is possible, and nobody expects you to do it alone. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk to someone right now: 1-800-799-7233.