Swinging: 10 Pros and Cons to Weigh

Deciding to swing doesn’t hand you a neat, orderly rundown of pros and cons arriving one after another. It’s more like a swirl of feelings while you and your partner explore new possibilities inside your relationship.

The interesting thing about this new ground, for most of us anyway, is that nobody has mapped it, so the “list” of upsides and downsides takes shape as you go. Figuring it out is part of the joy swinging may bring as you learn and your relationship grows deeper.

5 Benefits of Swinging

Swinging can work wonders for a relationship, so we’ll open with the good news: the pros! If you’d rather jump straight to the cons, they’re further down.

1. Opens Up Lines of Sexual Communication

This is the pro I like best, because it takes sex off the shelf and moves it to the head of the line.

To me, nothing is more loving than telling your partner openly and honestly what you want in bed. Talking about those desires in a loving, judgment-free space only makes the love between partners deeper and stronger.

I love it when John and I sit down and share fantasies, or talk at length about how thankful we are for the satisfying sex life we have together.

2. Lets You Explore a Variety of Sexual Partners and Experiences

Whether you’ve been married for years or your relationship is brand-new, swinging is an ideal way to try out different erotic fantasies.

In our swinging experiences, John and I have found that every new partner gives us a slightly different prism through which to view sex… a kaleidoscope of movements, emotions, and positions that helps us understand each other more deeply and learn what we enjoy sexually.

3. Creates a Platform to Tackle Your Fears

Dragging fears into the light may not sound like a pro, but trust me: having them out in the open beats keeping them hidden by a mile.

Before we can deal with our fears, we have to admit they exist. Say it bothers you when your spouse kisses a play partner. Talking it over together can and will lead to deeper trust and honesty, and to working as a team on whatever issues come up.

4. Enhances an Already Strong Relationship

People outside the swinging lifestyle may find this one hard to grasp. How could sex with someone else possibly bring a couple closer?

I know I asked myself that before I became a swinger. I also saw how easily we pass judgment on certain lifestyles because of what we’re told, not because of anything we’ve tried in person.

When I saw that I’d been building my life on what other people called right instead of making up my own mind, I could finally cross the line in the sand, give swinging a try, and see what happened.

What I discovered, for John and me at least, was that the swinging lifestyle fit perfectly. We’re both very sexual people (something we think is quite normal), and we love our relationship with each other, yet we also love the bond that comes from sharing ourselves with other people.

It satisfies what we believe is an innate need for variety, and it reminds us what a blessing it is, and how lucky we are, to have one another. On top of that, it sparks some fantastic sexually charged conversations!

5. Provides an Opportunity to Give “Compersion” a Try

I lean on this word often in conversations about the swinging lifestyle, since I adore the whole idea its definition captures. You’ll usually hear compersion described as the opposite of jealousy.

Recently I read “The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships” by Kathy Labriola. It suggests that one way to move toward compersion is to treat compersion as an “expansive” state and jealousy as a “constricted” one.

I love that! I feel so much better with space to move around, to fling my arms wide and just be free. The feeling of constriction is familiar too: being tightly bound, unable to move, and the near-panic that can follow.

If I keep that picture front and center in my mind where my partner is concerned, I’ll be more aware of when my actions or reactions create a constricted atmosphere versus a free one.

5 Drawbacks of Swinging

OK, so what are the downsides of swinging?

1. Keeping Your Lifestyle a Secret

Some swingers enjoy the novelty of a secret, but many feel they have to hide this part of their lives because of how society views swinging.

Family, friends, jobs, politics, religious beliefs: whatever the reason, sadly, many people still mix up swinging with cheating or immorality.

Once we can no longer embrace differences, we can’t see that even if something doesn’t work in our own relationship, we shouldn’t punish someone who finds it beneficial in theirs.

Denying someone the right to be themselves means missing out on all those brilliant differences and the chance to learn something new.

2. Partners Can Disagree

This one is big. If you’re heading into the swinging lifestyle, it’s crucial that both members of the couple actually want to swing.

I’ve seen cases where only one partner is eager to swing and the other goes along only to keep them “happy,” or where the agreement is lopsided. Both partners say yes to swinging, but because one of them is afraid, the rules they set end up out of balance.

Rather than improving the relationship, swinging then breeds resentment between the partners. Remember that honest communication has to sit at the heart of any successful relationship, whether you swing or not.

3. It Can Be Hard to Find Play Partners

You and your partner may have chosen to open things up by swinging, but that won’t necessarily give you an unlimited pool of play partners.

Getting four people together who all click, who are all attracted to one another, and whose play rules line up can be hard, so planning a play date sometimes feels more like work.

4. Swinging Can Be Time-Consuming

Whether you plan to play together or apart, at a swingers club or at house parties, finding enough time can be hard, particularly when kids, family, sports, and work schedules already carve up our days.

5. Fears Can Surface

Our fears can cover a wide range of possibilities: that our partner will leave us for someone else, that we’ll give a play partner, or receive from one, too much attention, or that we’ll keep comparing ourselves to others.

Left unexamined, fears can stir up a whole host of emotions, such as anxiety, resentment, and jealousy.

Above all, remember that fears can go either way, pro or con, based on how you handle the feeling once it comes up. If we react to our feelings or fight them, they turn into an enemy, something we need protection from.

But if you can talk with your partner about how you feel and coach yourself through those feelings, your fears become allies in your learning.

We’ll learn something either way. It all comes down to which lesson we choose to focus on.

If swinging or open relationships interest you, I urge you to test the waters of the lifestyle pool with that crucial first step and discover firsthand if this lifestyle is one you want to pursue.

Not long after that first threesome, I was backing away from the edge, leaping into the air, and shouting “cannonball!”