8 Steps to Walking, Not Falling, Into Love

Your eyes meet. Your stomach tingles. Your pulse speeds up. Without meaning to, you feel a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. That’s your body responding to falling in love. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to feel it, you know just how delicious the sensation is. And falling in love doesn’t merely feel like a drug — it lights up the very same parts of the brain that a chemical drug does.

Falling in love brings an emotional high that changes our brain chemistry.

Here’s the catch, though: the neurohormones linked to the early stages of a romance may feel wonderful, but they’re addictive, and worse, they dull our judgment. We see nothing but perfection in a potential partner and crave more and more time with them. To hang on to that “love high” for good, we rush into a relationship. In a sense, falling romantically in love is an emotional hijacking: hormones take us hostage.

That would all be fine if we grew up in a healthy family, had a secure attachment style, and could walk away fast at the first hint of an unstable partner. Most of us, though, didn’t get that, so we’re more prone to fall for our hopes about someone instead of the reality of who they are.

Lust chemicals offer the likeliest reason people fall for partners who hurt them. The internet overflows with stories of women duped by con men or emotionally wounded by narcissists. It’s also full of men who discovered their dream brides were really cheaters or gold diggers. We’re quick to blame the lovelorn, when the drug is what really deserves the blame.

So how can you avoid being seduced by neurohormones that lead to bad choices? If you tend to jump into bed, give away your heart, or hand over your money too soon, these tips can help keep your head clear while your heart races.

1. Let Go of Your Fear of Abandonment

If you worry more about a potential partner leaving you than about whether they’re a good fit, you’re starting out at a disadvantage in dating. Be willing to walk away early rather than get attached to something that could hurt you.

2. Rethink the Belief That Looks Come First

When beauty dazzles your eyes, you’ll excuse all sorts of bad behavior. Try going out with someone kind and smart, and let yourself be attracted to their inner beauty.

3. Be Judicious With Your Giving

If you tend to go overboard with gifts and lavish spending early in a relationship, learn to watch for reciprocity. Give only when you’re receiving something roughly equal in return. Say your new partner earns less than you do, so you’ve picked up the check for three dinners: it may be their turn to pack you a picnic or treat you to some other kind gesture.

4. Weigh What Sex Could Lead To

No-strings-attached sex doesn’t exist. Whenever two people share their bodies and spark each other’s neurochemicals, it leaves a memory that lasts forever. Sex is an intimate act, and it deserves to be treated that way. Accept that one of you might get attached because of it.

5. Talk Honestly

Skip the games and be open about who you are, what you’re looking for, and how you feel. Long-term love is held together by emotional intimacy.

6. Set Clear Boundaries

Even when your date seems perfect, skip the booty calls. Don’t drop your plans for a last-minute invite. Make self-care a practice.

7. Think Differently About Ghosting

When the wrong partners bow out early, celebrate. You land a like-minded mate by letting the wrong ones swim off.

8. SLOW DOWN!!!

Didn’t ReesaTeesa teach us anything? Taking things slowly gives you time to gather information and make informed choices.

Keep in mind that dating intentionally is a skill that takes time and practice. If love fools you again, don’t beat yourself up. You’ll get wiser every time, and eventually you’ll learn to walk slowly into love rather than falling into it blindly. Relationships depend much more on skill than on luck.