5 Toxic Habits That Kill Real Connection in Online Dating

Meeting my husband online didn’t happen in a straight line. Now, 13 wonderful years into our marriage, I can look back on my online dating days and chuckle at the bad dates and missteps. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I ran into some truly baffling characters on the apps.

As a dating coach, I’m big on growth and self-improvement, so learn from the mistakes I made. Here, I’ll lay out the online dating behaviors I found most toxic before I met my forever person.

My hope is that these war stories from my own journey help you catch certain red flags early and spare yourself some heartache.

1. The Breadcrumber

With the Breadcrumber, you’re always guessing, thanks to messages that are unclear and inconsistent. Right when you’re convinced they’ve ghosted you, a new message pops up.

“Hey, how’s it going?” It’s a roller coaster that swings between hope and disappointment.

This maddening person makes the bare minimum effort, doing only enough to keep the conversation alive.

They’ll send a funny meme along with “This made me think of you,” and you’ll reply, but you won’t hear back for a day, or maybe several.

One night they’ll turn all flirty and drop a very vague mention of plans that somehow never materialize.

“We should check out that bar sometime.” Sure, I’ll pencil you in for never.

Those crumbs are just enough to hold your interest, even though nothing real is being committed to. In short, they’re stringing you along.

It took three months of one person breadcrumbing me before I got wise!

To steer clear of Breadcrumbers (and believe me, you want to), give them a clear timeline and hold to it.

Whenever someone blew hot and cold and left me hanging, I’d hand them an ultimatum.

I’d tell them flat out, “I’ve enjoyed our conversations, but I’m looking for someone who can communicate consistently. No hard feelings if that’s not your thing, but I need to move on.”

Someone who’s genuinely interested will step it up and communicate better. If not, they aren’t the one for you.

2. The Sex Talker

Has a Sex Talker ever shown up in your matches? Some daters (usually men) can’t hold a conversation without dragging every topic back to sex.

There you are, casually chatting about your job, your favorite hiking trail, or even the weather, and then, BAM! Out of nowhere, they fire off something wildly inappropriate.

“I wonder what you look like without that hiking vest on…” Excuse me?! We were literally discussing nature a second ago!

Physical attraction obviously matters in dating, of course it does. But timing counts for a lot.

Sex Talkers jump right over the getting-to-know-you stage and go straight to bedroom talk before you’ve so much as had a coffee date!

One guy asked about my career and then, three messages later, was suggesting activities for his bedroom. Talk about rude.

Single women run into sex talk on nearly every dating app. Since it’s hard to avoid, you need a plan for handling it.

Life is far too short, I think, to spend teaching grown adults the basics of respect and boundaries.

When an inappropriate innuendo shows up too early in the chat, the sender has revealed what they’re really after, and it isn’t you. My advice: block them and move on.

Back in the day, I’d attempt the whole “let me explain why this isn’t appropriate” approach. All I got out of it was frustration and angst, and plenty of both.

You can’t reason with someone who turns a chat about hiking into a comment about how I look naked. If a serious relationship is your goal, Sex Talkers belong straight on the block list.

3. The Love Bomber

Love Bombers come on ridiculously strong right from the start. Your head will spin! From message one, it’s “Hey beautiful” or “We’re soulmates.” It’s hard to believe. You barely know me, so how could you already be obsessed with me?

Call me cynical, but when you’ve only been messaging for a day, lovey-dovey texts strike me as more manipulative than sincere.

A “Good morning, gorgeous” text when you only matched the night before? That’s a little much.

Love Bombers might call you their “dream woman” after knowing you for just a week. Ask yourself how well they actually know you. Have they seen you with no makeup, or on one of your bad days? Maybe what they love is an ideal, not you.

They may insist they’ve “never felt this connection before” because you both had single moms raising you or you share a love of pepperoni pizza. Those things are sweet, but they don’t prove you’d work as a couple.

I’ll confess that being showered with attention and compliments can feel wonderful at the time. Conscious dating, though, means slowing down and watching someone’s actions, not only their words.

Unsure whether you’re being love bombed? Step back and give it time. Time reveals who someone really is.

Love Bombers can’t keep the over-the-top, intense cheesiness going for very long, especially once they realize you aren’t buying it.

4. The Pen Pal

Online dating is supposed to be about really connecting with a potential partner and meeting them face to face. The Pen Pal is one huge red flag I spot out there!

This is an online match who seems perfectly happy to message you forever without ever proposing that you meet in person. Try to pin them down to real plans, and they’ve got every excuse in the book!

Some behaviors signal that all this person wants is an emotional bond, with no plans to meet you. You should be making plans within a week of chatting, two weeks at the very most.

If it’s been more than a few weeks of talking, perhaps even months, and you still haven’t met, that’s a red flag!

I know it’s especially disappointing when you’ve opened up with your most vulnerable stories, discussed what you’re passionate about, argued over favorite movies, and stayed up late talking about your hopes and dreams, yet there are no plans to meet.

The minute you suggest, “Hey, should we grab coffee this weekend?” they suddenly have a million excuses. At first it’s “This week is crazy at work,” then “My parents are visiting,” then their car breaks down or their dog gets sick. Whatever the excuse, they’ve used it!

There’s forever some reason why “now isn’t a good time.”

Want the very best way to weed out time-wasting pen pals? After a week of talking, arrange to meet face to face. Don’t let it drag on any longer!

If you’re clicking over messages, find out whether the chemistry holds up in person.

My non-negotiable rule: a date should be on the calendar once the first week is up, or the week after. Nothing vague, and none of that “sometime soon” nonsense! If they claim they aren’t free until some far-off date three weeks away, that’s a big red flag.

Rescheduling once is fine, since we’re all human and life sometimes gets in the way. Any more than that? You may be dealing with someone who has a flaky streak or simply isn’t available.

5. The Ghoster

The Ghoster is another maddening toxic behavior online! Lots of my clients go through this, so you’re not alone. It’s when someone disappears into thin air without explaining anything, so you’re left staring at your phone and wondering whether the earth swallowed them up!

It hurts so much when it happens.

I’m always telling clients to expect a few people to vanish after a message or two, since that’s simply part of the dating game.

But after a few weeks of chatting and hanging out with someone, ghosting is not OK!

Isn’t it the worst when the conversations have been great, and maybe you’ve even been on several amazing dates with undeniable chemistry, and then, poof, they’re gone? Total radio silence. What’s up with that?

One moment you’re planning your next date; the next, your messages are left on read and every call you make goes straight to voicemail.

It’s as if they suddenly decided you no longer exist! And naturally, your mind jumps right to, “What did I do wrong?”

Ghosting has nothing at all to do with you! That can be hard to believe, I know. But in truth, ghosting says more about the other person’s character.

Sometimes the person can’t handle conflict or is afraid of letting you down. The easy exit they choose is the cruel one for you.

Anyone who can’t manage a simple “I don’t think we’re a good match” text is showing you their emotional immaturity and poor communication skills.

To soften the sting of being ghosted, I have clients imagine a relationship with someone who vanishes whenever things get uncomfortable. Their answer is usually, “No, thanks!”

So I tell them, “You dodged a bullet!”

Don’t get stuck on someone who won’t even give you the decency of closure. You absolutely deserve respect, honesty, and clear communication, so please don’t spend one more minute doubting your worth just because someone else couldn’t manage to adult properly!

Be the One Who Chooses

Singles often feel they need approval from a wide range of people online before they can feel good about how their dating is going. I’d say only 10% of the people on dating apps are truly meant for you.

So be choosy, and put quality ahead of quantity.

Watch what people do. Above all, check for consistency of character, since everyone puts their best foot forward early in a relationship.

If you feel like you’re working harder to earn love… STOP. Pick someone who’s just as invested in you as you are in them.

I kissed my fair share of frogs before I met my husband. Being intentional helped me spot toxic people and steer clear of them.

Turning down the wrong kinds of relationships is what led me to the love of my life, and the right person for you is out there too. They’ll never make you doubt your worth for a second.