7 Bumble Strategies That Helped Me Meet My Husband

For a few decades, the science of love was what I read about, thought about, and wrote about. I’d published three books on relationships and written a dissertation on Attachment Theory. And yet, for all of that, I was single.

Okay, I wasn’t completely single. Two fabulous little people lived in my home, and I was securely attached to them: my daughters.

I had promised myself I’d give them everything I had, and I feared my poor romantic choices might wreck their childhood! For decades I stayed single, but once they got older, I knew the time had come for a kick-ass relationship.

I refused to become one of those single moms who follows her young-adult children all over the globe like a puppy dog. So what was my move? I signed up for Bumble.

Weighing the Risks and the Paradox of Choice

I was well aware of the apps’ dangers. I don’t mean the risk of meeting strangers who could turn violent or getting my money stolen. I’m levelheaded, and I have enough sense not to take chances like that.

To me, the real danger was the way apps biohack the human brain, hooking users on the app itself instead of on finding love. Some people feel so satisfied by a full inbox that getting dressed and actually heading out on a date never happens! That’s what I call “dating apathy.”

It’s all driven by a cognitive bias known as the “paradox of choice.”

The more options the human brain gets, like a dating app stuffed with hundreds of profiles, the lower the odds that we’ll pick anyone at all. And even once we do pick, we tend to value that pick less.

We can’t stop wondering whether a bigger, better deal slipped away. The grass is always greener, right?

So I came up with a plan for beating the paradox of choice so dating apps would mirror real-world experiences. I’d discussed the strategy on the iHeartRadio show I host in Los Angeles, but I’d never actually tested it on myself.

Now was my chance. Could the expert who teaches people to find love actually find it for herself?

Everything Begins With Your Profile

I made a point of including a photo where I was smiling. Studies show men like seeing teeth.

Photos of you at work or going about your daily life give new matches useful context.

Posting sexy or heavily filtered photos only makes sense if sex is what you’re after. They attract too many people who want something short-term, and I wanted a long-term relationship.

I did include one full-length shot, fully clothed. I kept reminding myself that I was trying to find one person, not win over a crowd.

I also posted a picture of myself in the broadcast studio, headset on, in a sweatshirt that said “I’m not for everyone.” That was true then, and it’s still true. But I’m delightfully perfect for the husband I found on Bumble.

My Tips for Succeeding at Online Dating

Here’s my step-by-step plan for getting dating apps to work in your favor. It did for me!

1. Limit Your Choices

Cap yourself at two matches at a time, never more. Take time to rule one of them out, then head back in for a new one. That keeps your brain from getting muddled by the paradox of choice.

Keeping your message box down to just two people to chat with helps you stay focused on the goal.

2. Ghost the Apathetic Ones

Start messaging on the app. If someone doesn’t respond, or answers with just a few words, swipe left and ghost them. You just saved yourself tons of time.

If they can’t be bothered to send a woman fun texts, they definitely won’t have the energy a long-term relationship takes.

3. Get on the Phone

Once you’ve had a few good text exchanges, drop your phone number into the message box. Let them know texting isn’t really your thing and you’d be glad to hop on the phone or a video call. If that doesn’t appeal to them, move on.

4. Interview by Phone or Video

The call is the perfect moment to weed out bad matches, and you don’t have to waste time dressing up to go out. Trust me, a poor match will be obvious on the phone. If things go well, set up a short coffee date.

5. Have Coffee

Skip the pricey first date! You’re not lowering the bar. You’re creating scarcity, specifically scarcity of your time.

A perfect stranger hasn’t earned an entire evening with you. Give it 20 to 30 minutes over coffee at a neighborhood shop to decide whether this complete stranger deserves a longer date.

Note: Even if you’re crazy about this person and the two of you click, don’t let the date run past 30 minutes. Leave them wanting more. Anything people have to work for, they love and value. Also, notice whether they’ll make sacrifices for you, like driving to your neighborhood.

6. Dress up for the Real First Date

If you both decide after the coffee date that you want to keep going, it’s time for a dress-up evening date.

7. Pay Attention to Rematches

One more note: I did meet my husband on Bumble, but one thing I dislike about it is that once a match happens, the woman gets 24 hours to start the conversation. In my view, that goes against basic biology: the sperm is supposed to chase the egg, not the reverse.

But I stumbled onto something: once those 24 hours run out, a man can rematch with her to prove he’s genuinely interested. These men show up with their faces grayed out at the top of her screen.

One day I opened the app and tapped on one of those gray faces. Thank goodness, because it was my husband.

He’d rematched with me several times, he was that into me. I’ve since found out that plenty of women use this trick on purpose: they let matches expire first, then talk only to the guys who rematch. It proves those men are actually interested.

Why Swiping Wisely Pays Off

When the man who’s now my husband replied to my first message, he wrote my name in all caps and tacked on a pile of exclamation marks: “KENJI!!!! Where have you been? I kept rematching with you, but you disappeared!”

Bumble is where I found my husband, and the same could happen for you!

Without meaning to, I had created scarcity and left him wanting more.

In the past, there were days when I might have written him off as too eager or maybe too nice. This wasn’t one of those days.

I’d spent a lifetime on bad boys and cheaters, plus years devoted to single motherhood, so I knew my worth. I deserved every one of those exclamation marks, and so do you.

When a guy brings lots of energy on an app, it means he’s really into you, and that’s exactly what you should look for. Who wouldn’t want someone to love them deeply and dearly?

After four years together, my husband and I got married at a vineyard in Southern Oregon wine country, in a dreamy ceremony. He’s a total romantic: it was him, not me, who teared up during the vows, while I simply danced with joy.